The Happiest Choice:
Essential Tools for Everyone's Brain Feelings
Chapters 11-13
Essential Tools for Everyone's Brain Feelings
Chapters 11-13
[0. Table of Contents] [1. How to Use This Guide] [2. You Have Options] [3. What is Depression?] [4. What Causes Depression?] [5. The Road Map of Coping] [6. Activities and Hobbies] [7. Taking Care of Your Mind and Body] [8. Medicines for Depression and Anxiety] [9. Thoughts for Change] [10. Communication] [11. Depression Related to Life Experiences] [12. Advocacy, Volunteering, and Activism] [13. Managing a Depressive Episode] [14. Resources] [15. Conclusion] [16. Bibliography]
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11.Depression Related to Life Experiences
The story of our mental health begins before birth, starting from the actions of our parents. It continues with our biological sex, upbringing, socioeconomic status, culture, and the discrimination we experience as a result of our culture and other cultures.
11.1 - Hormones
All people experience hormonal fluctuations regardless of their biological sex. These fluctuations in hormones, especially testosterone and estrogen, regulate many things and can heavily influence mood, though the science is not yet well understood. Males and females both have testosterone and estrogen, but males generally have more testosterone and females more estrogen. If you have never experienced severe depression until your 30s, 40s, or 50s, or if your depressive episodes occur cyclically on a daily or monthly basis, you may have hormonal depression. Talk to your doctor about having your hormone levels tested and possibly seeking hormone therapy. You may be instructed to consume or not consume certain foods high in estrogen or testosterone, or you may be prescribed treatment which boosts your hormone levels.
Testosterone
In a survey of studies, low, or very high levels of testosterone were found to create depressive episodes in males (Johnson JM). High testosterone is also associated with confidence, aggression, and sex drive. Testosterone levels fluctuate throughout a male's day, month, year, and lifetime (Diamond). On a given day, testosterone levels are highest in the morning and lowest before going to sleep, so depressive episodes may be more likely for males in the evening.
Estrogen, Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS), Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), and Postpartum Depression
Estrogen also cycles daily, monthly, and over a female's lifetime (Bao). The hormone regulates serotonin levels, with higher levels associated with a reduction in stress (Amin; Beck). That said, there is no direct correlation between low estrogen levels and mood (Todd). Low levels of estrogen, however, may increase the potential of experiencing depression under specific circumstances (Lokuge). For instance, estrogen may interact with other hormones and chemicals to cause depressive moods during menstrual cycles, pregnancy, giving birth to a child, and aging.
About once a month many females experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS), which causes light to severe physical and mental symptoms such as cramps and mood swings. One in five females experience mild depression each cycle and one in twenty experience more severe symptoms with debilitating depression (Pearlstein). Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is described as a severe form of premenstrual syndrome. However, there is debate about whether PMDD is a real condition or just a combination of others (Daw). While cyclical, PMDD may proliferate through an already stressed or depressed mind. Most of the common coping techniques such as eating well, sleeping right, relaxing, and exercising can help relieve symptoms of PMS and PMDD. The following can also help:
Hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy and after giving birth also causes many mothers to experience postpartum depression. While no scientific research has been completed regarding it, some believe that consuming the placenta (placentophagy) after giving birth will help prevent this type of depression, as well as having a number of other benefits (Donovan). In this method the placenta is dried and put into capsules to be eaten over a period of time. The theory is that because most other animals perform placentophagy, humans should too, and that the act balances hormones. Postpartum depression can also be dealt with by using coping mechanisms outlined throughout this guide.
11.2 - Pregnancy
If pregnant, check with your doctor before taking any medications or herbal supplements. Some medication usage just requires closer monitoring by a medical professional, but others, like most antidepressants, should not be taken at all. In the latter case, you’ll have to seek alternatives to pharmaceuticals to deal with your depression.
11.3 - Depression in Children
A child's mental health begins before birth, in the womb (Ryrie 23). Mothers who eat a proper diet are much more likely to give birth on time and to a baby with a healthy weight, two factors linked to youth happiness and better cognitive ability later in life. Children raised on breast milk receive an important balance of essential fatty acids linked to proper brain development. Keep in mind that anything consumed, including medicines, will be present in your breast milk, and some of these things are not healthy for babies.
The season a child is born in influences their mental health as well (European). In one study of 400 participants, summer children were found to have greater mood swings, but along with spring children, were happier. People born in the winter time were less irritable, but more depressed. Fall children experienced less depression than those born in the winter.
Once born, a healthy diet for your child is essential in maintaining their mood and behavior. See Food (Section 7.1) for general information on a healthy diet. Children and pregnant persons do have different nutritional requirements than others, so if possible, you should do your research before caring for a child or becoming pregnant! See a prenatal fact sheet online for more information. Most importantly, a mentally healthy child comes from mentally healthy parents and a stable community. Ensure you are taking care of yourself, your child's emotional and social needs are being met, and you have a supportive community to help you through the process.
11.4 - Depression in Teenagers
As a teenager, you may have little control over the causes feeding your depression. This is because of oppression by factors that cannot easily be changed. Examples include family, age, where you live, and discrimination. Huge neurological and hormonal changes are also happening that can be very confusing in a culture that does not often talk about them. Having been through it myself, I want to apologize for the awful support teenagers receive to escape unhealthy and traumatizing environments, and want to assure you that it will get better. Outlets exist, they just aren’t always taught to teenagers. These include getting a GED to finish high school early, dual enrolling in a community college, transferring schools or transferring to an “alternative school,” seeking legal emancipation from your family, talking to parents about seeing a therapist or having family therapy, talking to a counselor, attending summer camps, or applying for travel or exchange programs. Making art and music or experiencing it is a great outlet as well. You might also consider sharing your difficulties with friends at school or online.
11.5 - Depression in Older Adults
Old age is a time to celebrate and live fully. There are places to go, stories to tell, and people to keep in touch with. That said, growing older also comes with many trials. These include hormonal changes, physical changes, weakening of the body, a greater risk of life-threatening diseases, seeing loved ones pass away, and being confronted with death. Much of the material already covered in this book will help with these transitions, especially maintaining a healthy lifestyle with exercise, wholesome food, and a strong community of friends and family. The writings of Thich Nhat Hanh and other Buddhist teachers offer meditations and discourses on finding acceptance with death as well. It takes time to make these transitions, but you can find great joy and fulfillment in your later years.
11.6 - Poverty, Riches, and Jobs
Growing up poor increases the potential of experiencing depression (Kim). Not only that, but one study correlates higher income to an increase in emotional well-being and “life evaluation,” or the “thoughts that people have about their life when they think about it” (Kahneman). People who are richer and more educated evaluate their life as better, and household earnings up to $75,000 (U.S. average in 2010) correlate to improved emotional well-being.
Money can bring a lot of comfort to life, but so can a fulfilling job and healthy work environment. Many people lose themselves in money to the point of disliking their work and having no life outside of increasing their earnings. Find work that you can balance with an active and social life. If you don't earn as much as you'd like to, consider going back to school. Journeyman positions and two year technical degrees are a good place to look if paying for college is daunting. Internships and volunteer positions provide new job experiences and help open new job horizons too. Whatever you do, just be more than those dollar bills.
11.7 - Cultural Upbringing
Factors such as where you were born and raised, what culture your parents come from, and where you have been living impacts your emotional well-being. For instance, cultural aspects of the United States of America that might impact your mental health include:
The political atmosphere, gender norms, medical systems, labels, holidays, traditions, history, ideas of what constitutes depression, communication styles, sleeping patterns, birthing practices, marriage rituals, words, religions, foods, etc. of an area all play into who you are as an individual, how you relate to your surroundings, and impact your potential to experience depression. When everyone around you does something, and you have been raised to do that thing yourself, seeing how it impacts your emotions can be difficult. Be culturally literate by studying other cultures and understanding how your culture relates to others. Also ask yourself what learned behaviors influence your social and emotional world. By doing so you can begin seeing what is mentally healthy or unhealthy as a whole culture and seek solutions. Consider participating in volunteer, activist, and advocacy groups (see Chapter 12) to help change your culture into a more mentally healthy one.
11.8 - If You Experience Depression Associated with Discrimination
Depression arises from experiencing oppression related to gender, race, body image, culture, income level, age, and ability discrimination. Discrimination is deeply rooted in the United States of America and elsewhere, and while conditions might be improving for some groups, there is still a lot of work to be done before everyone feels safe and respected. People who experience oppression may also have a harder time accessing the techniques outlined throughout this guide because of time, money, or community restraints. However, if you can:
12. Advocacy, Volunteering, and Activism
Being an activistA, or a person trying to create broader change in the world, is a fulfilling role to take on. Attempting to make society and the world into a better place brings a great amount of meaning to one's life. However, it can also be very difficult and often means dealing with guilt, anger, cultural deprivation, as well as anxiety while attempting to create change against enormous resistance. Considering the negative remarks received externally and internally to the group, a person must be careful with their mental wellness while engaged in activist struggles. Sometimes the culture surrounding activist groups, and activism in general, is simply not mentally healthy. Even if the work done is good for other people or the planet, it can still hurt individuals. The following suggestions and observations are therefore meant to make you aware of how these influences can trigger depression or depressed feelings and lead to burnout. With this knowledge it is up to you to change the culture surrounding your activism, to step back from it, or balance it with other mentally healthy activities. More than anything, just remember that you are important too and that a content and happy mind is much more effective at creating positive change.
This chapter was the most difficult to write in the whole guide. It's a complicated subject area and just like everything else there are suggestions that may not be for everyone. Please do not be offended if something here does not fit your personal ideas, for some it can be useful. There is a lot of mental health discrimination based on one's ability to perform a task (ableism) within the advocacy, volunteer, and activism fields. Be sure to check yourself before making accusations or putting too much work on any one person, including yourself.
12.1 Prepare Yourself
Many people jump into causes they have very little knowledge of, and try to create change without the right tools. Doing the following things will make you much more effective and lessen your frustration!
12.2 - Balance Time
The most important thing to consider during times of difficulty in an advocacy, volunteer, or activist group is that even the smallest accomplishment is moving towards positive results. Changing the status quo takes time, so remind yourself that success is possible by watching or reading about previous campaigns, or by speaking to older peers within your movement. Also consider the amount of work you personally take on to reach a given goal. Are you doing more than you can handle? It’s easy to believe that everything will collapse if you reduce the amount of work you do, but the more long-term work you can do, the better. Why not take actions that are more manageable, or recruit new members? Working on small goals that show immediate results provides mental rewards that boost personal and group wellness. Ensuring needs are met to create a group of well-rested and positive people may also make it easier to recruit new members.
It is important to realize that as an activist, one is not living the life they would be living if the world fit their desires. What would you be doing otherwise? I believe it is important to occasionally live that life, or incorporate parts of it into your life. It’s also okay to stop and take a rest if things get too stressful. Know your limitations and establish them with your peers. Pass the work on when you reach that limit, because it is better to say “no” to new tasks than it is to become overwhelmed, ignore your personal health, and never return to the group. For balancing time, only intake news media that is related to what you are working with or directly impacting you locally so as not to drown in negativity. Sure, all world events are important, but if you cannot or are choosing not to do anything about them, then you are needlessly pushing your mind into negative spaces. Use this time instead for cultivating positivity and contentment.
12.3 - Cultural Deprivation and Creating an Alternative Culture
Some activists reject mainstream culture and do their best to create what they can of an alternative culture. With only a limited number of people to celebrate this culture though, it can be difficult to maintain and lead to cultural deprivation. However, I believe that a solid culture is essential for a healthy mind and healthy community. Create a community identity with boundaries and traditions. Boundaries state how your community functions and what the allowable limits are. They might include things like how to speak, meeting procedures, substance policies, and membership termination rules. Traditions provide a reason for people to gather and celebrate the important events time has unveiled in their lives and cultural history. They act as reminders of historical events and give emphasis to what it means to be part of a collective identity. Traditions can also help bring attention to your cause for outsiders to plug into, for instance, an annual parade, benefit party, or story-sharing circle. Continue to celebrate, even if you have to make up your own holidays or traditions! It is also okay to continue to celebrate mainstream holidays, just do so as responsibly as possible and add your own flair to them.
12.4 - Communication
If you are an activist, advocate, or volunteer (or even if you aren't), please stop whatever you're doing right now and go read Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Compassion by Marshall B. Rosenberg. If you can, read it to your peers as well. Many of us were never taught how to communicate, but just pieced together what we could from growing up in our communities and the media we ingested. NVC teaches how to communicate with basic human needs in mind. I believe it is a very powerful tool for reaching personal fulfillment, creating smoother group dynamics, and advancing group goals. It was developed specifically for helping people verbally mediate through their problems instead of killing each other in areas with a lot of racial violence. Now it is used in communities, with couples, between different cultures, in wars, and in conflict situations in general. While perhaps not always the right method, I believe it is a very useful tool for activists to become more effective and happier with their work and in their respective communities or groups. You can read an overview of Rosenberg's book in Violent and Nonviolent Communication (Section 10.4). I emphasize the reading of this book for activists because of the amount of aggressive and judgmental communication I have experienced activist groups use and in turn alienate people from important causes. In fact, one study titled “The ironic impact of activists: Negative stereotypes reduce social change influence” found that people did not support environmentalist and feminist causes due to what they saw as “eccentric and militant” behavior (Bashir). A person will generally believe in your cause, it's just that they need your cause presented in a way that respects their culture, beliefs, and character. This has implications in both your verbal communication and your non-verbal communication such as body language and clothing. Naturally, NVC is not always possible, or the right option, but it is a useful method in many situations.
When you are attacked by someone, responding with violent communication may sometimes be beneficial. While violent communication is not ideal, remaining silent to injustices creates no change. Responding violently may be your only option when there is little time between standing up for yourself and never seeing a person again. A violent rebuttal more than anything gives your ego a boost (though can also make you feel worse), and may also make a definitive awareness that the thing said was problematic. However this is very dependent upon how the perpetrator communicates and thinks. Violent communication mostly works by silencing wrongdoers. It does not necessarily alter their perception of groups of people. In fact, violent communication may reinforce negative feelings toward groups of people, so use it sparingly. That is why I highly suggest learning nonviolent communication, because it tries to create openness and dialogues to reach understanding between people. It also forces you to slow down and think about how you are speaking before possibly making a violent situation even more violent.
There has been some backlash against using nonviolent communication, but from what I have collected, this antagonism stems from people who have experienced the improper usage of NVC. Or rather, something that sounds like NVC but is not NVC at all. From speaking with people about this backlash, it seems that their understanding of NVC is primarily from personal interactions or workshops, rather than directly from the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg. NVC is a fairly complicated tool and takes time to master. A one or two hour workshop does not cover the breadth of content Rosenberg covers in his book, video, and audio tutorials. In turn we have a massive body of people who use the basics of NVC but are unaware of aspects of it beyond that. I believe a synthesis of all methods of learning NVC must be used to have a thorough understanding of the technique. Another aspect of the backlash against nonviolent communication is that people experience it being used to manipulate others. However, NVC is a tool, and just like any tool, it has its time and place, and can be used for “good” or for “bad.” To refuse to use NVC just because of how others have used it is rather silly.
Here are some general suggestions for communicating as an activist:
Other materials that have helped activist groups transform into more positive and effective bodies of change include Communicating Across The Divides In Our Everyday Lives, The Work That Reconnects <www.joannamacy.net> and The Three Principles <www.centerforsustainablechange.org>. Don Schneider's book, Communicating Across The Divides In Our Everyday Lives, is a “psychological field manual for constructive dialogue about social and environmental concerns and the progress of civilization” (Schneider). It talks about different character styles that people communicate through and how to create meaningful conversations with people who disagree with your world views. The Work That Reconnects is a spiritual methodology aiming to “[help] us discover our innate connections with each other and with the self-healing powers in the web of life” (Macy). According to Joanna Macy, the author, “this aim is essential for the emergence of a life-sustaining culture.” The Three Principles are Mind, Consciousness, and Thought (Principles). According to the Center for Sustainable Change, “when people realize they create their own mental suffering via the Principles, they begin to realize the resilience, wisdom, beauty and genuine potential for a gratifying life that lies within them—beyond their limited, personal thoughts. ”
12.5 Privilege and Guilt
Many activists also experience guilt regarding their lifestyle or position of privilege, especially from the blame they receive from other activists.
12.6- Blame and Oppressive Anti-Oppression
Other activists live with a lot of blame and hatred of the lifestyles and privileges of others. People who spread the teachings of anti-oppression with these feelings sometimes fall into oppressive behaviors themselves. This group is one of the greatest internal challenges activists face today because while well-meaning, they often make activist circles into alienating, offensive, exclusive, ineffective, negative, or triggering spaces. They should be mediated with or removed from the group to help maintain mental wellness, effectiveness, and positivity. Teaching nonviolent communication to these individuals is one remediation process. Doing so will give them a broader understanding of how communication impacts people and an alternative to how they speak.
Below are the traits of oppressive anti-oppresors. Some of the listed items are important to use or completely reasonable in certain instances, but the line can generally be drawn between someone who is experiencing discrimination or oppression first-hand and someone who is reacting to it as an allyA. Even with this line, many of the traits are not constructive and will not make the world into a less oppressive space. Of course, persons who are the target of oppressive behaviors have every right to react how they please. Allies, however, should be especially careful with how they inform others because they are speaking for another person or group of people. The following are associated with oppressive anti-oppression:
12.7 - Substance Abuse
The stresses that activists experience lead some to use substances as coping mechanisms to fight depression or stop thoughts and feelings. Substances such as alcohol and tobacco often make depression worse, however. This substance abuse can be difficult to avoid in alternative or activist social circles. It may be worthwhile to have a discussion regarding it among your peers–why do you use substances? What role does it play? Is it a coping mechanism? What does it say regarding the time you are giving for your personal health? Consider creating alternative social venues and positive coping mechanisms, such as a running club or a collaborative art group. See What Substances to Avoid (Section 7.3) for more information, including support groups for narcotics and alcohol.
12.8 - Policies
Certain policies greatly minimize negative feelings in activist groups. Consider having these easily accessible or posted in your meeting place. For instance:
12.9 - Breaking Away from “Us” versus “Them”
Many activists have a perspective of “us” versus “them,” but this is not healthy because it tends to dehumanize the “other” side and creates negative assumptions and generalizations about “them.” These mental formations make “us” see “them” as all the same, even though a group of people have a diversity of personalities and almost certainly are not all the same. When “them” is collectively denounced as doing something “bad,” “us” also has a harder time connecting with “them” on an empathetic level because “us” has the expectation that a person from “them” is a wrongdoer and not capable of becoming an ally. Since labeling a whole group with judgments is inherently a violent form of communication, “us” increases the likelihood that either side will respond to one another with more violent forms of communication. In turn “them” becomes more resistant to change.
Most everyone is just trying to get by and actually has the same basic needs, no matter what their upbringing is (see a list of basic human needs in Section 9.1). Relating your vision of the world to those basic needs is one of the most powerful ways of speaking to any culture or sort of person. Instead of generalizing a group of people (women, men, trans people, whites, blacks, Native Americans, Hispanics, people from the United States of America, socialists, communists, capitalists, hipsters, bros, etc), speak one-on-one with individuals who do not meet your personal needs with nonviolent communication (see Section 10.4). Challenge yourself to have empathy before you express anger, and think about what unmet needs you and the person you are communicating with have before speaking. Most of all, avoid creating stereotypes for groups. It only alienates people from one another and reinforces those behaviors!
The concept of “good” and “bad” changes from culture to culture and is actually an expression of needs (Rosenberg 54). When “us” says something “them” does is “bad,” “us” is essentially saying “them” are bad for doing this thing. Underlying the accusation is an unmet need “us” personally has. When this unmet need is in the form of a judgmental statement it tends to weaken or break down communication. Speaking from personal needs and feelings rather than only stating the values of a group or culture allows people to listen and understand each other much better. For instance, saying “killing is wrong” versus “when people are killed in the war I feel upset because I want everyone to be able to live a life free of violence.” Do you see the difference? In one a judgment is made, while in the other the person states their specific feelings and needs surrounding their value that killing is wrong. Speaking in this manner, “us,” opens the doorway to being treated with compassion and empathy, and in turn listened to. In other words, try to explain your feelings and needs instead of generalizing things as “good” or “bad.”
“Us” versus “them” mentalities also foster the idea that one is out to destroy something. Why not first create something that will benefit “us” and can potentially be enjoyed by “them” as well? It feels much better, establishes more allies, and without an alternative for people to go to, what is destroyed will almost certainly come back.
12.10 - Make It Fun
Finally, make activism fun. Be sure that you are including humor, silliness, and social downtime with your work. Positivity and love are the most powerful tools activists can use to fight for their causes. They not only help draw new people in but also prevent burnout for existing members. Consider celebrating the things that are important to you, playing games, or making your informational materials especially artful and full of humor. With meetings, start off with a silly check-in question and game. Bring the community together with child-friendly potlucks and educational games. Most activist groups are small enough that you have a lot of power to enact change, so do your best to alter the mundane status quo.
13. Managing a Depressive Episode
13.1 - If You Have a Depressive Episode
Read the list of triggers in Chapter 4 to help figure out what the cause of your depression is. Focus on addressing that trigger if possible and communicating with any necessary parties. Here are some other options depending on how you feel:
13.2 - If You Have a Depressive Episode Associated with a Negative Occurrence
If you have a depressive episode caused by external factors such as the death of a loved one or breaking up with your partner, there are a number of ways to cope with it. First realize that only time can heal some emotional injuries. The eventual goal is to keep living fully with activities, friends, and things that help maintain stability in your life. Until then have a safe space, whether it be a person or place, where you feel comfortable and unthreatened. See, call, or write a friend or family member to whom you can relate the experience. Hopefully they can reassure you and help calm some of your feelings. If explaining your situation is difficult, more subtly ask for a hug or just to hang out and do something like watching a movie. This may be an easier means of understanding you are indeed loved and provide some calming energy. Another option is to use a non-destructive act that pulls your mind away from obsessive negative thoughts. These acts might include reading a book, working on art, socializing, going to sleep on time, meditating, watching television, listening to music, exercising, playing a game, or other methods outlined in this guide.
Sometimes bad feelings over an event won't go away until you genuinely want them to. Saying “this is the first day of my life” or “it is silly that I'm still feeling like this, I'm moving on” can break you free of feelings you are holding onto. Other times feeling really awful will inspire you to create a new life. And yet other times you just need to wait until you run into the right person, make a new friend, or communicate to certain people about your grievances. Whatever you do though, try your best to keep pursuing your hobbies and social life–it will increase the likelihood of being knocked back onto stable ground.
13.3 - If Someone You Care about Has a Depressive Episode
Inevitably a friend, family member, or peer will become depressed. They may seem unfamiliar and act in a manner that is difficult for you. This is because their sense of reality has changed. If you choose to help, you will need to discuss their thoughts with them while dispelling false ones, as well as figuring out the root cause of their depression. It is difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, but if they do, the end goal is to de-escalate extreme emotions, resume thinking within terms of their normal reality, and help them realize how to prevent a similar episode in the future. Generally a few ideas to follow while helping a person are:
The best thing you can do for a person is just be there for them; hang out and get them to continue socializing and experiencing new things with you. Beyond that, you’ll need to analyze several items and respond accordingly. First, do they know they are depressed? At times it can be very difficult for a person to acknowledge that their behavior and mood are out of the ordinary. Some people you know may have even been depressed for many years of their life and it is now their norm. Try starting a conversation with them about it. “You’ve seemed sort of down recently, is anything the matter?” If their depression is longer standing, you might bring up an instance that you believe changed their mental state, or some memory that they dwell upon, and help them work through it. Stay away from bringing up traumatic memories though! If they don’t acknowledge their depression, try incorporating coping activities into your social time with them. These might include things such as exercising, eating healthy, meditation, and other activities outlined previously in this guide.
If they do accept that they are depressed, try finding out why they feel that way and see if you can do anything for them. Listening is key. Since individuals with low self-esteem tend to feel worse when told to “cheer up,” avoid using positive enforcers when communicating (Marigold). This is because positive enforcement makes a person's negative experiences feel unacknowledged. Let them have space to talk and express their feelings and needs. In response empathize with them: “I'm so sorry that sounds like it must be really hard,” or “those words must have made you feel upset.” Sometimes people need to first feel heard before they can become open to listening to advice or taking care of themselves. If individuals keep bringing up the same complaints though, a polite conversation about letting go of their woes and moving forward might be in order. Sometimes it is necessary to bluntly call a person out on their less desirable traits and reveal truths they are unaware of, but see where empathy leads first. For a more thorough guide on expressing empathy, see Marshall B. Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.
Providing empathy may be enough to draw a person out of a depressed state, but otherwise you'll need to analyze where their depression stems from. This may be different from what they say they’re depressed about. Consider their lifestyle habits such as diet, exercise, social life, and getting outdoors. In the past, I have rationalized my depression through scorning different aspects of my life, when in reality it was likely caused by a combination of not getting outside enough, being malnourished, and living in a stressful environment. I simply found it easier to blame things like my appearance for being depressed rather than the root causes. Once you have some ideas, ask if you can make some suggestions. Even if your friend doesn't follow your advice, at the very least the ideas will be there if they change their mind. You can also get them a gift or express gratitude for their presence. A book that provides life tools may be easier for them to digest than straight advice from a friend. In fact, true healing is likely not possible unless we empower ourselves to do so with our own mental energy. You can help provide the tools, but your friend must use them.
13.4 - If Someone You Care about Has Suicidal Ideations or Attempts Suicide
If you believe that someone close to you is considering killing themselves, there are things you can do to help prevent it. While some people commit suicide with no warnings, those who are open about their feelings are in fact seeking help. Here are some actions you can take:
You might hesitate about approaching a stranger to discuss your emotional state, but it can be really helpful to see a medical professional to help you cope with depression and depressed feelings. At the very least they will give you new options to utilize as coping mechanisms. Only you can say when the time is right to see a doctor, therapist, herbalist, or other medical professional, but here are some ideas:
AAn 'ally' is a person who fights against a type of discrimination they do not personally experience.
BPassive-aggressiveness is a behavior in which a person is not forward about their negative feelings and display them indirectly through things such as silence, glares, or generalized anger unrelated to the reasons for which they are actually angry. This is very common on the West Coast of the USA.
Just keep in mind that some doctors will only recommend taking pharmaceutical medicines while in fact there are many other options to choose from, or pair with, pharmaceutical treatment. Medication is not a replacement for good self-care practices!
The story of our mental health begins before birth, starting from the actions of our parents. It continues with our biological sex, upbringing, socioeconomic status, culture, and the discrimination we experience as a result of our culture and other cultures.
11.1 - Hormones
All people experience hormonal fluctuations regardless of their biological sex. These fluctuations in hormones, especially testosterone and estrogen, regulate many things and can heavily influence mood, though the science is not yet well understood. Males and females both have testosterone and estrogen, but males generally have more testosterone and females more estrogen. If you have never experienced severe depression until your 30s, 40s, or 50s, or if your depressive episodes occur cyclically on a daily or monthly basis, you may have hormonal depression. Talk to your doctor about having your hormone levels tested and possibly seeking hormone therapy. You may be instructed to consume or not consume certain foods high in estrogen or testosterone, or you may be prescribed treatment which boosts your hormone levels.
Testosterone
In a survey of studies, low, or very high levels of testosterone were found to create depressive episodes in males (Johnson JM). High testosterone is also associated with confidence, aggression, and sex drive. Testosterone levels fluctuate throughout a male's day, month, year, and lifetime (Diamond). On a given day, testosterone levels are highest in the morning and lowest before going to sleep, so depressive episodes may be more likely for males in the evening.
Estrogen, Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS), Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), and Postpartum Depression
Estrogen also cycles daily, monthly, and over a female's lifetime (Bao). The hormone regulates serotonin levels, with higher levels associated with a reduction in stress (Amin; Beck). That said, there is no direct correlation between low estrogen levels and mood (Todd). Low levels of estrogen, however, may increase the potential of experiencing depression under specific circumstances (Lokuge). For instance, estrogen may interact with other hormones and chemicals to cause depressive moods during menstrual cycles, pregnancy, giving birth to a child, and aging.
About once a month many females experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS), which causes light to severe physical and mental symptoms such as cramps and mood swings. One in five females experience mild depression each cycle and one in twenty experience more severe symptoms with debilitating depression (Pearlstein). Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is described as a severe form of premenstrual syndrome. However, there is debate about whether PMDD is a real condition or just a combination of others (Daw). While cyclical, PMDD may proliferate through an already stressed or depressed mind. Most of the common coping techniques such as eating well, sleeping right, relaxing, and exercising can help relieve symptoms of PMS and PMDD. The following can also help:
- Taking L. Tryptophan, an amino acid, from “the time of ovulation to the third day of menstruation” (S. Steinberg).
- Taking vitamin B-6(Wyatt).
- Taking the herb Vitex agnus -castus, or chaste tree, can help, but interacts with other medicines (Vitex).
- Supplementing with calcium carbonate, magnesium, and vitamin E helps relieve symptoms of PMS and thus may also help with PMDD (Bhatia).
- Quitting smoking (Vann).
- Not consuming caffeine or alcohol during PMS (Vann).
- Taking oral contraceptives (Vann).
- Accepting your symptoms of PMS as a natural and positive part of your life and personality (Grish). Speaking to a therapist may help.
- Several pharmaceutical antidepressant SSRIs have been effective at treating PMDD (S. Meir). Talk with your doctor.
Hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy and after giving birth also causes many mothers to experience postpartum depression. While no scientific research has been completed regarding it, some believe that consuming the placenta (placentophagy) after giving birth will help prevent this type of depression, as well as having a number of other benefits (Donovan). In this method the placenta is dried and put into capsules to be eaten over a period of time. The theory is that because most other animals perform placentophagy, humans should too, and that the act balances hormones. Postpartum depression can also be dealt with by using coping mechanisms outlined throughout this guide.
11.2 - Pregnancy
If pregnant, check with your doctor before taking any medications or herbal supplements. Some medication usage just requires closer monitoring by a medical professional, but others, like most antidepressants, should not be taken at all. In the latter case, you’ll have to seek alternatives to pharmaceuticals to deal with your depression.
11.3 - Depression in Children
A child's mental health begins before birth, in the womb (Ryrie 23). Mothers who eat a proper diet are much more likely to give birth on time and to a baby with a healthy weight, two factors linked to youth happiness and better cognitive ability later in life. Children raised on breast milk receive an important balance of essential fatty acids linked to proper brain development. Keep in mind that anything consumed, including medicines, will be present in your breast milk, and some of these things are not healthy for babies.
The season a child is born in influences their mental health as well (European). In one study of 400 participants, summer children were found to have greater mood swings, but along with spring children, were happier. People born in the winter time were less irritable, but more depressed. Fall children experienced less depression than those born in the winter.
Once born, a healthy diet for your child is essential in maintaining their mood and behavior. See Food (Section 7.1) for general information on a healthy diet. Children and pregnant persons do have different nutritional requirements than others, so if possible, you should do your research before caring for a child or becoming pregnant! See a prenatal fact sheet online for more information. Most importantly, a mentally healthy child comes from mentally healthy parents and a stable community. Ensure you are taking care of yourself, your child's emotional and social needs are being met, and you have a supportive community to help you through the process.
11.4 - Depression in Teenagers
As a teenager, you may have little control over the causes feeding your depression. This is because of oppression by factors that cannot easily be changed. Examples include family, age, where you live, and discrimination. Huge neurological and hormonal changes are also happening that can be very confusing in a culture that does not often talk about them. Having been through it myself, I want to apologize for the awful support teenagers receive to escape unhealthy and traumatizing environments, and want to assure you that it will get better. Outlets exist, they just aren’t always taught to teenagers. These include getting a GED to finish high school early, dual enrolling in a community college, transferring schools or transferring to an “alternative school,” seeking legal emancipation from your family, talking to parents about seeing a therapist or having family therapy, talking to a counselor, attending summer camps, or applying for travel or exchange programs. Making art and music or experiencing it is a great outlet as well. You might also consider sharing your difficulties with friends at school or online.
11.5 - Depression in Older Adults
Old age is a time to celebrate and live fully. There are places to go, stories to tell, and people to keep in touch with. That said, growing older also comes with many trials. These include hormonal changes, physical changes, weakening of the body, a greater risk of life-threatening diseases, seeing loved ones pass away, and being confronted with death. Much of the material already covered in this book will help with these transitions, especially maintaining a healthy lifestyle with exercise, wholesome food, and a strong community of friends and family. The writings of Thich Nhat Hanh and other Buddhist teachers offer meditations and discourses on finding acceptance with death as well. It takes time to make these transitions, but you can find great joy and fulfillment in your later years.
11.6 - Poverty, Riches, and Jobs
Growing up poor increases the potential of experiencing depression (Kim). Not only that, but one study correlates higher income to an increase in emotional well-being and “life evaluation,” or the “thoughts that people have about their life when they think about it” (Kahneman). People who are richer and more educated evaluate their life as better, and household earnings up to $75,000 (U.S. average in 2010) correlate to improved emotional well-being.
Money can bring a lot of comfort to life, but so can a fulfilling job and healthy work environment. Many people lose themselves in money to the point of disliking their work and having no life outside of increasing their earnings. Find work that you can balance with an active and social life. If you don't earn as much as you'd like to, consider going back to school. Journeyman positions and two year technical degrees are a good place to look if paying for college is daunting. Internships and volunteer positions provide new job experiences and help open new job horizons too. Whatever you do, just be more than those dollar bills.
11.7 - Cultural Upbringing
Factors such as where you were born and raised, what culture your parents come from, and where you have been living impacts your emotional well-being. For instance, cultural aspects of the United States of America that might impact your mental health include:
- An emphasis on individuality over community.
- Paid vacation and maternity leave is limited.
- Minimum wage is not a living wage.
- Consuming unhealthy food is portrayed as cool and socially acceptable.
- An eclectic mix of religious, scientific, and spiritual beliefs.
- A political system dominated by only two parties.
- Beauty standards set by magazines and television shows are impossible to obtain or inaccessible to the majority of body types.
- Preventative medicine is usually unsupported by medical professionals and health insurance companies.
- Sources of environmental degradation and pollution go unchecked by government officials until citizens unite and petition for something to be done.
- Access to media is always available.
The political atmosphere, gender norms, medical systems, labels, holidays, traditions, history, ideas of what constitutes depression, communication styles, sleeping patterns, birthing practices, marriage rituals, words, religions, foods, etc. of an area all play into who you are as an individual, how you relate to your surroundings, and impact your potential to experience depression. When everyone around you does something, and you have been raised to do that thing yourself, seeing how it impacts your emotions can be difficult. Be culturally literate by studying other cultures and understanding how your culture relates to others. Also ask yourself what learned behaviors influence your social and emotional world. By doing so you can begin seeing what is mentally healthy or unhealthy as a whole culture and seek solutions. Consider participating in volunteer, activist, and advocacy groups (see Chapter 12) to help change your culture into a more mentally healthy one.
11.8 - If You Experience Depression Associated with Discrimination
Depression arises from experiencing oppression related to gender, race, body image, culture, income level, age, and ability discrimination. Discrimination is deeply rooted in the United States of America and elsewhere, and while conditions might be improving for some groups, there is still a lot of work to be done before everyone feels safe and respected. People who experience oppression may also have a harder time accessing the techniques outlined throughout this guide because of time, money, or community restraints. However, if you can:
- Form a caucus or peer group of people you identify with and with whom you can safely talk about the discrimination you experience and what can be done about it in your local community. Also connect with people online.
- Relocate to a place with more people you identify with or away from oppressive people.
- Remind people of their privileges and call them out (or preferably “in”) on their oppressive behaviors, or get allies to do so for you. Preferably, calling people out is done with the techniques outlined by nonviolent communication. See Violent and Nonviolent Communication (Section 10.4) and Advocacy, Volunteering, and Activism (Chapter 12) for more information.
- Do your best to focus on the positive and live in the present moment. It's not good for you to dwell on things out of your control, but it can be helpful to channel negative feelings created from discrimination into fighting oppression, exercising, making art, or other constructive outlets.
- Seek out help from a therapist knowledgeable about the type of discrimination that you experience. Be sure that you feel comfortable with them and that their politics resonate with yours. Switch therapists if you feel threatened or judged. Every therapist is different, so you may need to try several out before finding the right one. Read more about therapy in Section 9.5.
12. Advocacy, Volunteering, and Activism
Being an activistA, or a person trying to create broader change in the world, is a fulfilling role to take on. Attempting to make society and the world into a better place brings a great amount of meaning to one's life. However, it can also be very difficult and often means dealing with guilt, anger, cultural deprivation, as well as anxiety while attempting to create change against enormous resistance. Considering the negative remarks received externally and internally to the group, a person must be careful with their mental wellness while engaged in activist struggles. Sometimes the culture surrounding activist groups, and activism in general, is simply not mentally healthy. Even if the work done is good for other people or the planet, it can still hurt individuals. The following suggestions and observations are therefore meant to make you aware of how these influences can trigger depression or depressed feelings and lead to burnout. With this knowledge it is up to you to change the culture surrounding your activism, to step back from it, or balance it with other mentally healthy activities. More than anything, just remember that you are important too and that a content and happy mind is much more effective at creating positive change.
This chapter was the most difficult to write in the whole guide. It's a complicated subject area and just like everything else there are suggestions that may not be for everyone. Please do not be offended if something here does not fit your personal ideas, for some it can be useful. There is a lot of mental health discrimination based on one's ability to perform a task (ableism) within the advocacy, volunteer, and activism fields. Be sure to check yourself before making accusations or putting too much work on any one person, including yourself.
12.1 Prepare Yourself
Many people jump into causes they have very little knowledge of, and try to create change without the right tools. Doing the following things will make you much more effective and lessen your frustration!
- Research both sides of an argument and try to walk in the shoes of the opposing belief.
- Study some human psychology and sociology–look into how to effectively communicate, what makes a good flyer, what basic human needs are, and what successful activist campaigns have done in the past.
- Look at examples of effective propaganda throughout history.
- Know how much time you are going to devote to being an activist and how much time you are going to reserve for self-care.
- Have a supportive community that does not involve your campaign work, or at least does not always talk about it. Your life is more than just work and intense conversations!
12.2 - Balance Time
The most important thing to consider during times of difficulty in an advocacy, volunteer, or activist group is that even the smallest accomplishment is moving towards positive results. Changing the status quo takes time, so remind yourself that success is possible by watching or reading about previous campaigns, or by speaking to older peers within your movement. Also consider the amount of work you personally take on to reach a given goal. Are you doing more than you can handle? It’s easy to believe that everything will collapse if you reduce the amount of work you do, but the more long-term work you can do, the better. Why not take actions that are more manageable, or recruit new members? Working on small goals that show immediate results provides mental rewards that boost personal and group wellness. Ensuring needs are met to create a group of well-rested and positive people may also make it easier to recruit new members.
It is important to realize that as an activist, one is not living the life they would be living if the world fit their desires. What would you be doing otherwise? I believe it is important to occasionally live that life, or incorporate parts of it into your life. It’s also okay to stop and take a rest if things get too stressful. Know your limitations and establish them with your peers. Pass the work on when you reach that limit, because it is better to say “no” to new tasks than it is to become overwhelmed, ignore your personal health, and never return to the group. For balancing time, only intake news media that is related to what you are working with or directly impacting you locally so as not to drown in negativity. Sure, all world events are important, but if you cannot or are choosing not to do anything about them, then you are needlessly pushing your mind into negative spaces. Use this time instead for cultivating positivity and contentment.
12.3 - Cultural Deprivation and Creating an Alternative Culture
Some activists reject mainstream culture and do their best to create what they can of an alternative culture. With only a limited number of people to celebrate this culture though, it can be difficult to maintain and lead to cultural deprivation. However, I believe that a solid culture is essential for a healthy mind and healthy community. Create a community identity with boundaries and traditions. Boundaries state how your community functions and what the allowable limits are. They might include things like how to speak, meeting procedures, substance policies, and membership termination rules. Traditions provide a reason for people to gather and celebrate the important events time has unveiled in their lives and cultural history. They act as reminders of historical events and give emphasis to what it means to be part of a collective identity. Traditions can also help bring attention to your cause for outsiders to plug into, for instance, an annual parade, benefit party, or story-sharing circle. Continue to celebrate, even if you have to make up your own holidays or traditions! It is also okay to continue to celebrate mainstream holidays, just do so as responsibly as possible and add your own flair to them.
12.4 - Communication
If you are an activist, advocate, or volunteer (or even if you aren't), please stop whatever you're doing right now and go read Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Compassion by Marshall B. Rosenberg. If you can, read it to your peers as well. Many of us were never taught how to communicate, but just pieced together what we could from growing up in our communities and the media we ingested. NVC teaches how to communicate with basic human needs in mind. I believe it is a very powerful tool for reaching personal fulfillment, creating smoother group dynamics, and advancing group goals. It was developed specifically for helping people verbally mediate through their problems instead of killing each other in areas with a lot of racial violence. Now it is used in communities, with couples, between different cultures, in wars, and in conflict situations in general. While perhaps not always the right method, I believe it is a very useful tool for activists to become more effective and happier with their work and in their respective communities or groups. You can read an overview of Rosenberg's book in Violent and Nonviolent Communication (Section 10.4). I emphasize the reading of this book for activists because of the amount of aggressive and judgmental communication I have experienced activist groups use and in turn alienate people from important causes. In fact, one study titled “The ironic impact of activists: Negative stereotypes reduce social change influence” found that people did not support environmentalist and feminist causes due to what they saw as “eccentric and militant” behavior (Bashir). A person will generally believe in your cause, it's just that they need your cause presented in a way that respects their culture, beliefs, and character. This has implications in both your verbal communication and your non-verbal communication such as body language and clothing. Naturally, NVC is not always possible, or the right option, but it is a useful method in many situations.
When you are attacked by someone, responding with violent communication may sometimes be beneficial. While violent communication is not ideal, remaining silent to injustices creates no change. Responding violently may be your only option when there is little time between standing up for yourself and never seeing a person again. A violent rebuttal more than anything gives your ego a boost (though can also make you feel worse), and may also make a definitive awareness that the thing said was problematic. However this is very dependent upon how the perpetrator communicates and thinks. Violent communication mostly works by silencing wrongdoers. It does not necessarily alter their perception of groups of people. In fact, violent communication may reinforce negative feelings toward groups of people, so use it sparingly. That is why I highly suggest learning nonviolent communication, because it tries to create openness and dialogues to reach understanding between people. It also forces you to slow down and think about how you are speaking before possibly making a violent situation even more violent.
There has been some backlash against using nonviolent communication, but from what I have collected, this antagonism stems from people who have experienced the improper usage of NVC. Or rather, something that sounds like NVC but is not NVC at all. From speaking with people about this backlash, it seems that their understanding of NVC is primarily from personal interactions or workshops, rather than directly from the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg. NVC is a fairly complicated tool and takes time to master. A one or two hour workshop does not cover the breadth of content Rosenberg covers in his book, video, and audio tutorials. In turn we have a massive body of people who use the basics of NVC but are unaware of aspects of it beyond that. I believe a synthesis of all methods of learning NVC must be used to have a thorough understanding of the technique. Another aspect of the backlash against nonviolent communication is that people experience it being used to manipulate others. However, NVC is a tool, and just like any tool, it has its time and place, and can be used for “good” or for “bad.” To refuse to use NVC just because of how others have used it is rather silly.
Here are some general suggestions for communicating as an activist:
- Try your best to call people in, not out. Or in other words, have a conversation with people instead of communicating aggressively. Yelling, seeking revenge, or speaking hatefully, rarely, if ever, convinces a person that they are wrong. These forms of violent communication tend to worsen the mood of both parties and breed thoughts of revenge and feelings of anger.
- A person who enters into an argument with you or makes statements with anger or violence often must first be mediated with to listen to your side. Your goal is to calm them down by openly listening to their needs without reacting in argument, criticism, or judgment. Ask questions. You can state your side once they have calmed down and moved from the emotional to rational side of thought.
- Have empathy, remembering that everyone has basic needs to fulfill, troubles to take care of, and come from a past you know nothing or very little about.
- Use positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement (such as yelling) because rewarding a person for good behavior gives them a reason to exhibit a new behavior, whereas punishing someone for a bad behavior does nothing toward showing them an alternative.
- Those who ignore or mock your desire for change may not be willing to alter their behaviors. It may be best to not waste your time on these individuals.
Other materials that have helped activist groups transform into more positive and effective bodies of change include Communicating Across The Divides In Our Everyday Lives, The Work That Reconnects <www.joannamacy.net> and The Three Principles <www.centerforsustainablechange.org>. Don Schneider's book, Communicating Across The Divides In Our Everyday Lives, is a “psychological field manual for constructive dialogue about social and environmental concerns and the progress of civilization” (Schneider). It talks about different character styles that people communicate through and how to create meaningful conversations with people who disagree with your world views. The Work That Reconnects is a spiritual methodology aiming to “[help] us discover our innate connections with each other and with the self-healing powers in the web of life” (Macy). According to Joanna Macy, the author, “this aim is essential for the emergence of a life-sustaining culture.” The Three Principles are Mind, Consciousness, and Thought (Principles). According to the Center for Sustainable Change, “when people realize they create their own mental suffering via the Principles, they begin to realize the resilience, wisdom, beauty and genuine potential for a gratifying life that lies within them—beyond their limited, personal thoughts. ”
12.5 Privilege and Guilt
Many activists also experience guilt regarding their lifestyle or position of privilege, especially from the blame they receive from other activists.
- If you are called out as oppressive by someone, it is okay. Apologize, listen, and try to ask questions if it is not apparent why the thing said was offensive. Do your own research to become informed on the type of oppression. Acknowledge that there is deeply rooted discrimination and oppression in the United States of America and elsewhere, and that while you may not mean to offend anyone, you grew up in a culture that oppresses others. As such, also keep in mind that it is not so much you being called out as is the culture of oppression, which includes things like racism, sexism, classism, ableism, and ageism.
- Who you are and what you're doing is okay, even if that means indulging in mainstream culture or your personal privileges. Even the smallest contributions to "positive" change are still a lot more than what most people provide. In fact, no matter how you go about it, partaking in industrialized civilization directly or indirectly oppresses a human being or other living entity. Even so, working within systems of oppression generally allows you to create much more positive change than if you separated yourself from civilization and were "completely" anti-oppressive. No one is perfect, and that is okay. Be grateful for the privileges you were born with and do your best to use them constructively, but only do what you can within the limits of your mental health and personal wellness. Oppression is fought much better with a positive mindset!
- Just because someone says something is “bad” does not necessarily mean it is, so do your own research. Become informed and do not jump onto bandwagons of new ideas. Many activist, volunteer, and advocacy groups practice forms of globalization and imperialism and are insensitive to the differences between cultures worldwide.
- What one person, group, or culture thinks is offensive or oppressive changes depending on the person, group, or culture being interacted with. Do your best not to be oppressive or offensive, but realize that you will need to change your language and actions depending on who you are around. That is why asking questions and not making assumptions is so important while interacting with others. Note that it is impossible and unhealthy to attempt to please everyone at all times. You can only do the best that you can do and sometimes that means learning through mistakes.
- Watch out for working with people who practice oppressive anti-oppression (see next section).
12.6- Blame and Oppressive Anti-Oppression
Other activists live with a lot of blame and hatred of the lifestyles and privileges of others. People who spread the teachings of anti-oppression with these feelings sometimes fall into oppressive behaviors themselves. This group is one of the greatest internal challenges activists face today because while well-meaning, they often make activist circles into alienating, offensive, exclusive, ineffective, negative, or triggering spaces. They should be mediated with or removed from the group to help maintain mental wellness, effectiveness, and positivity. Teaching nonviolent communication to these individuals is one remediation process. Doing so will give them a broader understanding of how communication impacts people and an alternative to how they speak.
Below are the traits of oppressive anti-oppresors. Some of the listed items are important to use or completely reasonable in certain instances, but the line can generally be drawn between someone who is experiencing discrimination or oppression first-hand and someone who is reacting to it as an allyA. Even with this line, many of the traits are not constructive and will not make the world into a less oppressive space. Of course, persons who are the target of oppressive behaviors have every right to react how they please. Allies, however, should be especially careful with how they inform others because they are speaking for another person or group of people. The following are associated with oppressive anti-oppression:
- Poor communication through aggressive speaking, slander, refusing to mediate with an individual, using technical “radical” or activist terms without defining them, or passive-aggressivenessB.
- Over-emphasis on attacking or ostracizing individuals rather than the institutions which perpetuate oppression. Of course working on oppression at the individual and institutional levels are both important, but much greater change is created by reforming institutions that create oppressive individuals. Existing institutions must be altered or new institutions created for large changes to take place.
- Categorizing ignorance as oppressive, even if a person is open-minded and has grown up in a culture devoid of anti-oppressive ideologies. That, or forgetting that “radical” or “alternative” ideas take time to form, and people who are “aware” generally go through specific experiences to reject “mainstream” ideologies. Generally this is paired with passive-aggressive speaking so that the person never actually becomes aware of their oppressive act, or is spoken to in such a way that they are not allowed to be open-minded. It is also problematic in recruitment situations where people who are more aware of oppression and their personal privileges deny membership to a person who may be open-minded but has never been exposed to ideas outside of mainstream culture. This is especially hypocritical when the recruiters were once just as ignorant; everyone needs to start somewhere.
- Ignoring personal privileges or acts of oppression while calling someone else out on their privileges. No one is perfect, and everyone is an oppressor on some level. We can only work toward becoming less oppressive and safer individuals by practicing peaceful, direct, and nonviolent communication while following principles of sustainability and changing the institutions which perpetuate the oppression of all life forms.
- Forcing ideas of right or wrong onto another culture and perpetuating globalization and the destruction of culture.
- Mocking religious or spiritual practices and in turn creating unsafe spaces for practitioners of different beliefs.
- Assuming the privileges of another person. Without first asking it is impossible to know what a person's ethnicity, gender, sex, mental conditions, or life background is.
- Calling people out but not in. Criticizing but never showing gratitude.
- Emphasizing human oppression but ignoring environmental oppression, or emphasizing environmental oppression but ignoring human oppression.
- Ignoring psychological and cultural differences between many peoples and assuming all actions or mentalities are a personal choice. Examples creating psychological differences include brain chemistry altered from heavy metal poisoning, premature birth, or various childhood experiences. Cultural differences include places a person was born and how they were raised and taught to communicate.
12.7 - Substance Abuse
The stresses that activists experience lead some to use substances as coping mechanisms to fight depression or stop thoughts and feelings. Substances such as alcohol and tobacco often make depression worse, however. This substance abuse can be difficult to avoid in alternative or activist social circles. It may be worthwhile to have a discussion regarding it among your peers–why do you use substances? What role does it play? Is it a coping mechanism? What does it say regarding the time you are giving for your personal health? Consider creating alternative social venues and positive coping mechanisms, such as a running club or a collaborative art group. See What Substances to Avoid (Section 7.3) for more information, including support groups for narcotics and alcohol.
12.8 - Policies
Certain policies greatly minimize negative feelings in activist groups. Consider having these easily accessible or posted in your meeting place. For instance:
- Have a membership termination policy that is fair, easily enacted, and that people feel comfortable using. At some point someone who brings down the mood of everyone will come on board and impede your purpose.
- Create a new member orientation that hypes up and educates the new members. Support new members speaking up about problems in a constructive manner.
- Look at different meeting and voting models and choose one that best suits your purpose. People often get bogged down with meetings, so find ways to make them fun and streamlined. Having a check-in question, games, and a person who has taken facilitation classes are very helpful. Also decide on methods of calming an emotional meeting or knowing when to table an agenda item.
12.9 - Breaking Away from “Us” versus “Them”
Many activists have a perspective of “us” versus “them,” but this is not healthy because it tends to dehumanize the “other” side and creates negative assumptions and generalizations about “them.” These mental formations make “us” see “them” as all the same, even though a group of people have a diversity of personalities and almost certainly are not all the same. When “them” is collectively denounced as doing something “bad,” “us” also has a harder time connecting with “them” on an empathetic level because “us” has the expectation that a person from “them” is a wrongdoer and not capable of becoming an ally. Since labeling a whole group with judgments is inherently a violent form of communication, “us” increases the likelihood that either side will respond to one another with more violent forms of communication. In turn “them” becomes more resistant to change.
Most everyone is just trying to get by and actually has the same basic needs, no matter what their upbringing is (see a list of basic human needs in Section 9.1). Relating your vision of the world to those basic needs is one of the most powerful ways of speaking to any culture or sort of person. Instead of generalizing a group of people (women, men, trans people, whites, blacks, Native Americans, Hispanics, people from the United States of America, socialists, communists, capitalists, hipsters, bros, etc), speak one-on-one with individuals who do not meet your personal needs with nonviolent communication (see Section 10.4). Challenge yourself to have empathy before you express anger, and think about what unmet needs you and the person you are communicating with have before speaking. Most of all, avoid creating stereotypes for groups. It only alienates people from one another and reinforces those behaviors!
The concept of “good” and “bad” changes from culture to culture and is actually an expression of needs (Rosenberg 54). When “us” says something “them” does is “bad,” “us” is essentially saying “them” are bad for doing this thing. Underlying the accusation is an unmet need “us” personally has. When this unmet need is in the form of a judgmental statement it tends to weaken or break down communication. Speaking from personal needs and feelings rather than only stating the values of a group or culture allows people to listen and understand each other much better. For instance, saying “killing is wrong” versus “when people are killed in the war I feel upset because I want everyone to be able to live a life free of violence.” Do you see the difference? In one a judgment is made, while in the other the person states their specific feelings and needs surrounding their value that killing is wrong. Speaking in this manner, “us,” opens the doorway to being treated with compassion and empathy, and in turn listened to. In other words, try to explain your feelings and needs instead of generalizing things as “good” or “bad.”
“Us” versus “them” mentalities also foster the idea that one is out to destroy something. Why not first create something that will benefit “us” and can potentially be enjoyed by “them” as well? It feels much better, establishes more allies, and without an alternative for people to go to, what is destroyed will almost certainly come back.
12.10 - Make It Fun
Finally, make activism fun. Be sure that you are including humor, silliness, and social downtime with your work. Positivity and love are the most powerful tools activists can use to fight for their causes. They not only help draw new people in but also prevent burnout for existing members. Consider celebrating the things that are important to you, playing games, or making your informational materials especially artful and full of humor. With meetings, start off with a silly check-in question and game. Bring the community together with child-friendly potlucks and educational games. Most activist groups are small enough that you have a lot of power to enact change, so do your best to alter the mundane status quo.
13. Managing a Depressive Episode
13.1 - If You Have a Depressive Episode
Read the list of triggers in Chapter 4 to help figure out what the cause of your depression is. Focus on addressing that trigger if possible and communicating with any necessary parties. Here are some other options depending on how you feel:
- Remove yourself from overstimulating environments.
- Create a safe environment by cleaning your room, putting on music, etc.
- Seek out help from someone such as a friend, therapist, or doctor. Everything is easier with reassurance and support from others.
- Write. Process the thoughts in your head, recall the best moments of your life, or figure out where you want to be and how to get there.
- Meditate and practice mindfulness. Don't allow repetitive negative thoughts to take over. Find contentment and goodness in the present moment.
- Trust that what your brain says is untrue and disconnected from your rationality. Trust that the feelings will pass if you take care of yourself.
- Go to sleep.
- Play a game, read a book, or watch something that will occupy your mental energy.
- Admit yourself into a psychiatric ward and put yourself into the full care of medical professionals until you get better.
- Call a support line like the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
13.2 - If You Have a Depressive Episode Associated with a Negative Occurrence
If you have a depressive episode caused by external factors such as the death of a loved one or breaking up with your partner, there are a number of ways to cope with it. First realize that only time can heal some emotional injuries. The eventual goal is to keep living fully with activities, friends, and things that help maintain stability in your life. Until then have a safe space, whether it be a person or place, where you feel comfortable and unthreatened. See, call, or write a friend or family member to whom you can relate the experience. Hopefully they can reassure you and help calm some of your feelings. If explaining your situation is difficult, more subtly ask for a hug or just to hang out and do something like watching a movie. This may be an easier means of understanding you are indeed loved and provide some calming energy. Another option is to use a non-destructive act that pulls your mind away from obsessive negative thoughts. These acts might include reading a book, working on art, socializing, going to sleep on time, meditating, watching television, listening to music, exercising, playing a game, or other methods outlined in this guide.
Sometimes bad feelings over an event won't go away until you genuinely want them to. Saying “this is the first day of my life” or “it is silly that I'm still feeling like this, I'm moving on” can break you free of feelings you are holding onto. Other times feeling really awful will inspire you to create a new life. And yet other times you just need to wait until you run into the right person, make a new friend, or communicate to certain people about your grievances. Whatever you do though, try your best to keep pursuing your hobbies and social life–it will increase the likelihood of being knocked back onto stable ground.
13.3 - If Someone You Care about Has a Depressive Episode
Inevitably a friend, family member, or peer will become depressed. They may seem unfamiliar and act in a manner that is difficult for you. This is because their sense of reality has changed. If you choose to help, you will need to discuss their thoughts with them while dispelling false ones, as well as figuring out the root cause of their depression. It is difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, but if they do, the end goal is to de-escalate extreme emotions, resume thinking within terms of their normal reality, and help them realize how to prevent a similar episode in the future. Generally a few ideas to follow while helping a person are:
- Don't tell a person that they have a condition.
- Don't tell a person that “what you're saying is not true.”
- Don't treat a person as inferior.
- Not all truths need to be spoken.
- Do let a person know that you are there for them and that their presence makes you happy.
- Do empathize with a person's feelings and show that you hear them.
- Do ask to give advice before giving advice.
- Do allow a person to experience their pain constructively.
The best thing you can do for a person is just be there for them; hang out and get them to continue socializing and experiencing new things with you. Beyond that, you’ll need to analyze several items and respond accordingly. First, do they know they are depressed? At times it can be very difficult for a person to acknowledge that their behavior and mood are out of the ordinary. Some people you know may have even been depressed for many years of their life and it is now their norm. Try starting a conversation with them about it. “You’ve seemed sort of down recently, is anything the matter?” If their depression is longer standing, you might bring up an instance that you believe changed their mental state, or some memory that they dwell upon, and help them work through it. Stay away from bringing up traumatic memories though! If they don’t acknowledge their depression, try incorporating coping activities into your social time with them. These might include things such as exercising, eating healthy, meditation, and other activities outlined previously in this guide.
If they do accept that they are depressed, try finding out why they feel that way and see if you can do anything for them. Listening is key. Since individuals with low self-esteem tend to feel worse when told to “cheer up,” avoid using positive enforcers when communicating (Marigold). This is because positive enforcement makes a person's negative experiences feel unacknowledged. Let them have space to talk and express their feelings and needs. In response empathize with them: “I'm so sorry that sounds like it must be really hard,” or “those words must have made you feel upset.” Sometimes people need to first feel heard before they can become open to listening to advice or taking care of themselves. If individuals keep bringing up the same complaints though, a polite conversation about letting go of their woes and moving forward might be in order. Sometimes it is necessary to bluntly call a person out on their less desirable traits and reveal truths they are unaware of, but see where empathy leads first. For a more thorough guide on expressing empathy, see Marshall B. Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.
Providing empathy may be enough to draw a person out of a depressed state, but otherwise you'll need to analyze where their depression stems from. This may be different from what they say they’re depressed about. Consider their lifestyle habits such as diet, exercise, social life, and getting outdoors. In the past, I have rationalized my depression through scorning different aspects of my life, when in reality it was likely caused by a combination of not getting outside enough, being malnourished, and living in a stressful environment. I simply found it easier to blame things like my appearance for being depressed rather than the root causes. Once you have some ideas, ask if you can make some suggestions. Even if your friend doesn't follow your advice, at the very least the ideas will be there if they change their mind. You can also get them a gift or express gratitude for their presence. A book that provides life tools may be easier for them to digest than straight advice from a friend. In fact, true healing is likely not possible unless we empower ourselves to do so with our own mental energy. You can help provide the tools, but your friend must use them.
13.4 - If Someone You Care about Has Suicidal Ideations or Attempts Suicide
If you believe that someone close to you is considering killing themselves, there are things you can do to help prevent it. While some people commit suicide with no warnings, those who are open about their feelings are in fact seeking help. Here are some actions you can take:
- Ask them directly if they are thinking of committing suicide, and have a conversation about it. If they want it, help connect them with professional mental support. A person depressed enough to commit suicide may not have the energy to seek help themselves.
- Express empathy for their feelings with techniques outlined by Nonviolent Communication (Section 10.4). Tell them that the feelings they are experiencing will pass with time.
- Call 1-800-273-8255 for someone to talk to through the National Suicide Hotline. They can offer confidential guidance, support, and help connect you with local resources.
- Even if your loved one asks for secrecy, and even if it is uncomfortable, tell people who are legally responsible for their well-being, such as their parents or a partner. A person with suicidal ideations needs support, not silence.
- Remember, there is always help and hope, and that every day is a new day with new possibilities,
- Do not allow a person to manipulate you into believing that you are the only reason why they are alive. Seek mental support yourself for help navigating the emotional difficulties of a friend's suicidal ideations or attempts.
- For a more thorough guide on preventing suicide, see <www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm>.
You might hesitate about approaching a stranger to discuss your emotional state, but it can be really helpful to see a medical professional to help you cope with depression and depressed feelings. At the very least they will give you new options to utilize as coping mechanisms. Only you can say when the time is right to see a doctor, therapist, herbalist, or other medical professional, but here are some ideas:
- You feel miserable all the time no matter what you do.
- You hurt yourself or have thoughts of hurting yourself or others.
- You have suicidal thoughts.
- You cannot handle taking care of yourself and become unhealthy.
- You have repetitive negative thoughts.
- You have anxiety that interferes with your ability to live a healthy life or the life you want to live.
- You realize you need help.
- Your depression interferes with basic social, professional, or interpersonal functioning on a day-to-day basis.
AAn 'ally' is a person who fights against a type of discrimination they do not personally experience.
BPassive-aggressiveness is a behavior in which a person is not forward about their negative feelings and display them indirectly through things such as silence, glares, or generalized anger unrelated to the reasons for which they are actually angry. This is very common on the West Coast of the USA.
Just keep in mind that some doctors will only recommend taking pharmaceutical medicines while in fact there are many other options to choose from, or pair with, pharmaceutical treatment. Medication is not a replacement for good self-care practices!