The Happiest Choice:
Essential Tools for Everyone's Brain Feelings
Chapters 8-10
Essential Tools for Everyone's Brain Feelings
Chapters 8-10
[0. Table of Contents] [1. How to Use This Guide] [2. You Have Options] [3. What is Depression?] [4. What Causes Depression?] [5. The Road Map of Coping] [6. Activities and Hobbies] [7. Taking Care of Your Mind and Body] [8. Medicines for Depression and Anxiety] [9. Thoughts for Change] [10. Communication] [11. Depression Related to Life Experiences] [12. Advocacy, Volunteering, and Activism] [13. Managing a Depressive Episode] [14. Resources] [15. Conclusion] [16. Bibliography]
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8. Medicines for Depression and Anxiety
Reminder: I am not a medical professional. If you decide to use one of these substances prior to consulting with a medical professional, you do so at your own risk.
Pharmaceutical, psychedelic, and herbal medicines have been found to help relieve depression in users. Only an overview of taking pharmaceuticals is given in this guide, as a medical health professional should prescribe you the proper type and dosage for your needs. Although some herbal medicines are generally known to be safe, medical advice from an herbalist and doctor should be sought before regularly taking any herb in high doses. What I’ve included is an overview that will enable you to do further research. Due to the illegality of psychedelics, only preliminary research from doctors given special government approval is available. Recent research has included studies on LSD, ketamine (cat tranquilizers), psilocybin (magic mushrooms), and ecstasy.
8.1 - Pharmaceuticals and Doctor Prescribed Drugs
Pharmaceutical antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications can be very helpful for people that experience chronic genetic or chemical abnormalities in their body. When these abnormalities cause depression, they often result in major or severe depression. Pharmaceutical medicines correct the balance of chemicals or make up for malfunctioning genes.
I am not a medical professional, but from my research and conversations with people who do take antidepressants, this is what I understand about them: pharmaceuticals do sometimes work and can be of great help, but there is a problem with how many doctors prescribe them. The beginning of this book mentioned that, when pharmaceutical antidepressants do work, it is not well understood why. This is in part because doctors rarely test for the specific genetic abnormality or chemical deficiencies they are treating. As a result most doctors use a “guess and check” method when prescribing medications for depression and anxiety. Due to this lack of testing, as well as there being depression unrelated to chronic chemical and genetic abnormalities such as that caused by life experiences, life choices, and nutrient deficiencies, doctors may incorrectly prescribe pharmaceutical medicines. This is further exasperated by doctors rarely prescribing healthy life choices and coping mechanisms instead of, or alongside of, medications.
Even when you are correctly prescribed to take pharmaceutical antidepressants, you may need to try several different medications, the dosage may need to be adjusted, or you may need to take several antidepressants together to have a beneficial effect. Antidepressants can seemingly work for a short time and then stop working. Also keep in mind that it can take four or more weeks to feel any beneficial changes from a new medication.
Pharmaceutical antidepressants can cause a number of wide-ranging side effects as well. If you feel like the trade-offs are too much, become more depressed, or think of suicide, talk to your doctor. They may suggest a different medication, pair your current medication with another, or try a completely different method of controlling your depression. Switching medications can be very difficult emotionally, so try to have a solid support network to help you through your transition. If you want to get off your medication(s), talk to your doctor first to set up a schedule to slowly reduce your dosage; doing so too suddenly can result in symptoms of withdrawal such as heightened levels of depression. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that while medicines may be able to treat the root source of your depression, a content and happy life still relies on healthy habits and lifestyle choices.
8.2 - Herbal Medicines for Depression
5-HTP
5-HTP is a precursor to serotonin and is derived from the African plant, Griffonia simplicifolia (Griffonia). There is very little research complete and no long-term studies. Short-term studies indicate 5-HTP is more effective than placebo controls in elevating mood (Shaw). My personal experience has been positive, but I have always taken it in conjunction with Vitamin D3. 5-HTP is available online and through health food stores.
Lavender
Researchers found that lavender petal tea and extract helps lessen symptoms of depression (Dwyer). It also smells great!
Marijuana(?) (Illegal)
As mentioned previously in the What Substances to Avoid (Section 7.3), marijuana can cause depression, anxiety, and even schizophrenia for some, but helps reduce depressive symptoms for others. Using marijuana on a case-by-case basis when depressive flare ups occur may have a more positive role in preventing depression. Specific cultivars of marijuana may also differ in their psychological effects upon an individual. Of course, marijuana is still considered illegal by the federal government and most state governments, and depression is not a condition covered under current medical marijuana prescriptions.
Saffron
Saffron Crocus is a flower that is grown in many parts of the world to make the very expensive saffron spice from the stigma (Crocus). In one study comparing the anti-depressants Prozac and Imipramine to saffron, saffron was more effective and tolerable (Dwyer). The petals seem to have similar anti-depressant qualities to the stigma and may help make saffron a cost-effective option in the future. Until then, you could grow your own and dry them.
St. John's Wort
According to a book review of St. John's Wort and Its Active Principles in Depression and Anxiety by the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, St. John's Wort is an effective antidepressant (Szabadi). It, however, cannot treat cases of severe depression (Carpenter). It is an herb, but it is also a potent medicine, and must not be mixed with other medicines such as “certain classes of immunosuppressants, antivirals, anticoagulants and oral contraceptives...” (Szabadi). Take note as well that it lessens the efficacy of other drugs, thus limiting who can use it (Dwyer). It is suggested that, like any antidepressant, you ask a medical professional before use, especially if transitioning from another antidepressant. One side effect of taking St. John's Wort is becoming more sensitive to sunlight, so be sure to cover up!
Turmeric (Curcumin)
Limited testing has been done in India with curcumin as an antidepressant. Curcumin is a compound found in turmeric. Alone, curcumin showed comparable efficacy to Prozak, and when paired with Prozak further increased Prozak's efficacy as an antidepressant (J Sanmukhani). Curcumin must be taken with black pepper or pepper extract to absorb properly (Weil).
8.3 - Herbal Medicines for Stress and Anxiety
Ashwagandha
Ashwagandha is an adaptogen, an herb that helps reduce anxiety or stress-inducing conditions (G. Singh). It also helps prevent ulcers and is an aphrodisiac.
Coffee(?)
As mentioned earlier in the section, What Substances To Avoid (Section 7.3), many studies show that coffee improves mood, but it creates a dependency and might cause anxiousness for some (Smith, Andrew P.).
Ginseng
Ginseng is a plant whose root is used for a number of purposes. Some species of ginseng, including Panax (Korean ginseng), Eleutherococcus senticosus (Siberian ginseng), and Withania somnifera (Indian ginseng), have been documented in lowering stress levels (Head).
Golden Root
Small studies of the plant Rhodiola rosea, or golden root, have shown that taking extracts of the plant cause a reduction in anxiety and mental fatigue and improvement in sleep quality (Head).
L-Theanine (Tea)
Extracted from green and black teas, L-Theanine has been shown to lower anxiety without a sedative effect (Head). A cup of tea contains about 20 milligrams of L-Theanine, but the studies cited used much more concentrated extracts of the pure chemical.
Motherwort
Motherwort has a sedative effect and can calm a racing heart (Rezaei). It is therefore sometimes used for anxiety.
Tulsi (Holy Basil)
Tulsi, or Holy Basil, has traditionally been used in India to treat a whole host of aliments. Few studies have been conducted on humans, but animal research and traditional usage suggests it is “antimicrobial, adaptogenic, antidiabetic, hepatoprotective, anti-inflammatory, anti-carcinogenic, radioprotective, immunomodulatory, neuroprotective, and cardio-protective” (E Singh). The adaptogenic properties specifically help with stress and anxiety.
Valerian
Valerian helps with anxiety and is a sedative for those having trouble sleeping (Head 9-10). Numerous studies show that, in comparison to pharmaceutical equivalents, there are fewer side effects too.
Other Herbs for Anxiety and Sleeping
Because of the lack of solid research regarding them and because some have dangerous side-effects, I won't go into detail about more herbs. Many others do exist which carry some evidence in reducing anxiety and working as sleep aids. These include brahmi (Bacopa monniera), gotu kola (Centella asiatica), rain-of-gold (Galphimia glauca), German chamomile (Matricarie chamomilla), lemon balm (Melissa officinalis), passionflower (Passiflora incarnata), kava kava (Piper methysticum), hops (Humulus lupulus), blue skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora), and jujabe (Ziziphus jujuba) (Head 125). Several of these compare in effectiveness evenly with pharmaceutical equivalents, but with fewer side effects. Some are also toxic if taken over long periods of time or at high doses, so again, it's important to do your research or consult a medical professional.
8.4 - Psychedelics (Illegal)
Researchers have found that small doses of psychedelics such as LSD, ketamine (cat tranquilizers), and psilocybin (“magic” mushrooms) reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder for months after use (Brauser). The theory is that patients are given a new perspective to look through and may thereby find a way around their typical negative mood (Cloud). Ceremonial use of psychedelics by native groups continues to happen today, but these substances are illegal according to federal law. People can and have lost their mind with the recreational use of psychedelics, and so further testing is still needed before the medical community accepts psychedelics as a treatment for depression. For the latest research on psychedelic substances go to <www.maps.
org/>, or read more personal accounts and safety issues at <www.erowid.org>.
8.5 - Ecstasy/MDMA (Illegal)
Past research (2004) indicates that the effects of Ecstasy/MDMA are negative, associating it with depression and delayed cognitive abilities (C. Stough). However, more recent research (2012) that utilized better control techniques found that MDMA usage does not have long-term residual effects (Szalavitz). In fact, after two or three MDMA aided therapy sessions, seventeen out of twenty patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) no longer showed symptoms associated with PTSD. This was with a controlled dosage in a controlled environment. Like most other “hard” drugs, outside of the lab many people do report having depressed feelings after the illegal usage of this substance. Even so, some have high hopes for MDMA-based therapy aiding in marriage counseling, PTSD, depression, schizophrenia, and more. Like most mind-altering drugs though, MDMA can be dangerous and is considered illegal by the federal government.
9. Thoughts for Change
Reforming my thinking patterns has been the most important aspect of cultivating happiness for myself. How I think about a situation often determines whether depressed feelings arise. Even if I am experiencing depression, certain thinking patterns can make those episodes much more tolerable or alleviate them altogether. Many practitioners of Buddhism believe that all humans have everything they already need to be happy regardless of their situation. I disagreed with this for a very long time, but now think it is possible, so long
as a person has the right tools. These tools allow us to build up the parts of ourselves we like and break down the parts we want to move away from. In turn we cultivate happiness and contentment. This is not about avoiding or running away from difficult situations; it is about changing mental attitudes, unraveling mental distortions, and finding acceptance with our life story. The following chapter includes ways of thinking and changing thinking that I've found helpful. Keep in mind that just as you train your body to be stronger, the mind must also be given exercises and challenges to grow stronger. This takes time and energy, so don't get discouraged or overwhelm yourself. Grow one step at a time.
9.1 - Unmet Needs
Connecting your feelings to unmet needs will help put into perspective what causes you suffering and what actions to take in order to feel better in a given situation. Manfred Max-Neef believes that all humans have the same nine basic needs. Ask yourself if you are sufficiently receiving all these needs. If you are not, then figuring out how you can better meet these needs may help your situation. Reworded into simpler terms by Marshall Rosenberg, these needs are:
9.2 - Maintain a Positive Environment
Remove Negative Environments
It is important to have environments that nourish us because these spaces greatly influence our thoughts and feelings. Remove yourself from perpetually stressful or negative situations that you cannot confront or change. These might include a work environment or living situation. This is not the same as avoiding your emotions, but is rather a deep awareness of your feelings and needs. Creating huge changes can be difficult, but giving yourself the chance to be happy and comfortable is an essential baseline. You needn’t see this as "running away" or "giving up," but rather as a healthy life decision. A negative space can be debilitating and make change nearly impossible.
Alter Your Daily Routine
Another option is to alter your daily routine by spending time in a different environment or doing something nice for yourself. Go to a friend’s house, a park, a cafe, a pet spa, the farmers market, or the woods. Even if you can’t get out, do something enjoyable like taking a hot bath, making a cup of tea, looking at pictures of cute animals, getting a massage, or meditating to cheer up. For me, changing my routine greatly relieves the stress built up by nit-picking the normal environments I engage in. Especially when I sleep in a different place, I realize that the world is much bigger than my normal scope of perception and my causes of stress suddenly become less important. Getting out to nature is especially relieving in that it is almost completely removed from humanity and city stresses such as noise and pollution. Just think about how the beauty of a forest or the ocean induce a calming state. For the sake of your mental health it is well worth your time to visit or live in environments like these.
Create Positive Living Spaces
Calmness is also manifested in aesthetic design, so organize and decorate your living and working spaces in such a way that it enhances your mood and makes you enjoy being there. If messes or difficulty finding things stress you out, clean up. You can also create an environment with colors, pictures, books, lighting, labels, quotes, order, and sounds that you find pleasing. In the end though, if an environment doesn’t have the right feel, such as lacking an appropriate amount of natural light, you should consider moving or building your own home. For more ideas on making your space pleasant, read books or go online for information on feng shui, interior design, and organization.
Take Spatial Ownership
Even if a space is not yours to alter, you can mentally take ownership of it. Just observe the surrounding area from the floor to the ceiling and say, “I have a right to be here and a right to have my needs of safety and contentment met.” It may seem like a strange thing to do, but this simple act creates a sense of empowerment by boosting confidence and comfort. Mind you, some spaces are not yours to be in and this should not be used as a means of over-staying your welcome.
Work as Play
Another mental trick is finding out how to see your work as play. Practicing mindfulness and being fully present with your work is a good starting point. Recognizing the needs that your work is meeting and being joyful for those needs being met is another. Work can be played as a game as well. How fast can you do a given task? Can you grow personally through exploring certain thoughts? Can you practice a skill? Can you listen to an informational audio recording? Can you find humor in what you have normally seen as mundane? There are many options for play.
9.3 - Collective Feelings
Sometimes many people, or a group of people, are simultaneously stressed, sad, and feeling depressed. These collective feelings can “rub” off onto you, and make it all the more difficult to understand why you feel the way you do. There are multiple ways that collective feelings can spread. Stressful events such as college finals or a murder drive a community into a lower mood, in turn making that community express less positive attitudes in day-to-day interactions and social media.
Some people also contribute collective feelings to the phases of the moon and planetary cycles. There may be credibility to these beliefs. For instance, the light from a full moon interrupts the sleep hormone melatonin and in turn decreases deep sleep and makes falling asleep more difficult (Cajochen). As discussed previously, sleep deprivation and low sleep quality increase the potential of experiencing depressed feelings. If moonlight penetrates through your curtains, the best you can do is wear a sleeping mask, but exposure to the light of the moon during your evening hours may also contribute to melatonin disruption.
The experience of a collective mood is somewhat confusing with seemingly no trigger causing your depressed feelings. These collective feelings do tend to pass within several days. Just do what you can to maintain your self-care and be open with your community about the changes in your mood. It is gratifying to hear that everyone else you know experienced the same low.
9.4 - Stop Workaholism and Take Time for Yourself
Many people are brought up with an emphasis on efficiency and productivity doing work. However, it is important to realize that there are a number of ways to be efficient and productive, and one of those ways involves taking care of yourself. There is a balance to consider between being selfish and becoming overloaded with caring for others, but the point is to spend enough time caring for yourself to feel content and fulfilled. It may seem as though something awful will happen if you take a break from all the work you “need” to do, as if walls will crumble or some other catastrophe will occur, but this is very rarely true. Contentment and happiness become harder to grasp the less you care for yourself, and so it is important to take the time necessary to recharge and enjoy life.
Try scheduling one day a week that is absolutely your day. Plan the entire time around good self-care, and do nothing (even thinking) related to projects or work that have been put upon you. It may be hard at first, but undoing the learned behavior of overworking yourself and instead putting a priority on mental wellness is an important step to finding contentment in life. If one day is too much initially, try for half the day, or an hour each day. Another option is to go on a weekend adventure, or schedule time off for something longer. You deserve it.
9.5 - Therapy
Everyone and everything you ever meet will be a teacher, whether they guide you toward or away from the thoughts, activities, and experiences bountiful in the world. There is knowledge in all interactions, and we may seek it out through friendships, family, therapists, spiritual and religious teachers, support groups, dreams, horoscopes, and even pets.
Friends and Family
Have people in your life that you can talk to about your depression. Even if you don’t feel like socializing, forcing yourself to be around people you enjoy can knock you out of a depressed state. More people than you think relate to how you're feeling and can assure you that the world is not falling apart. Keeping it bottled up will only make matters worse. That said, be careful with how much you ask of one person; it can be difficult for them as well. Spread out your friend base and try not to be negative all the time, or to continuously reiterate the same negative thoughts or happenings to one person. Once is enough, and more than that can be destructive to yourself as well as your friend. Use the support of friends to create positive spaces where you can safely have constructive dialogues and do fun activities. If your friends do not fulfill these needs when you are depressed, or your depression alienates your friends, seeing a professional therapist or support group may be for you. This act will allow you to process negative thoughts and feelings around a neutral figure while preserving time with friends and family for positive social interactions and experiences. See Section 6.14 for more information.
Professional Therapists
Professional therapists are trained to help you get to the root of your psychological difficulties, analyze why you are depressed, and confront those causes whether past or present. Although often expensive, some therapists have sliding scale fees for those with low income. Some insurance plans also cover therapy. Every therapist is different, so if one doesn’t work for you, another might. Don't be afraid of switching therapists! Interview a new therapist to make sure that you feel comfortable speaking with them and that they are knowledgeable in the areas you want to work on. Unless you are having a crisis, it may be several weeks between beginning the process of searching for a therapist and working on your life with them. It is therefore beneficial to seek out a therapist while in a stable mood so you can immediately access help when in need. The paperwork you sign does revoke some of your confidentiality, but unless you are seriously considering suicide, going to harm someone, or a court asks for your files to be released, information you share with your therapist remains safe.
There are many different types of therapists, a number of which specialize in specific psychological conditions. A few types of therapy used for depressed persons include psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapy, cognitive therapy, behavior therapy, interpersonal therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (very popular), cognitive hypnotherapy, experiential therapy, and online therapy. Conduct research online or ask your doctor what type of therapy would best meet your needs.
Spiritual and Religious Teachers
Professional therapists, while often helpful, come from a scientific and institutional perspective that may lack a spiritual, religious, and cultural understanding of a person. Depending on your beliefs, some advice and healing is better found in spiritual and religious teachers. This therapy may take place one-on-one, in a congregation, in a group, in books or videos, or in a ceremony.
Support Groups
Support groups can greatly relieve stress and depression, especially when caused by physical ailments such as cancer or illness (U Koc). Interacting with someone else who has been through the same difficulties as you makes the act of speaking openly about your symptoms, past, and emotions much easier. A good support group incorporates fun activities, goal setting, positive affirmations, and mutual support. Many support groups exist, and if they don’t in your area you could start your own, or find ones that fit your needs online at sites like <psychcentral.com/resources/Depression/Support_Groups/>. There is also a twelve-step program for depression and depressed feelings called Emotions Anonymous <www.emotionsanonymous.org>. You are not alone in your struggles.
Dreams
Some of my most important healing, especially around trauma, has happened through dreaming. This came about by paying attention to my dreams, writing them down, and analyzing them. Read Sleeping and Awakening (Section 7.4) to learn how to deal with nightmares and gain better control of your dreams.
Horoscopes
Horoscopes provide material to help deepen your understanding of yourself. Based on planetary alignment, moon position, and your birth date, astrology is an alternative explanation of why things are the way they are in your life. Even if you don't believe in astrology or resonate with all of the horoscopes for you, many give advice that is good for anyone to follow and can be a fun thing to look forward to during the week. You could even read all the signs and choose which advice you want to take that week. My favorites are <www.freewillastrology.com> and <www.chaninicholas.com/>. If you want to look up your astrological chart, go to <astro.cafeastrology.com>.
Pets
Any type of pet is therapeutic to spend time with. Research has found that contact with an animal improves comfort, increases feelings of safety, decreases depression and anxiety, lowers blood pressure and stress, and even helps create trust between patients and medical professionals (Jackson). Furthermore, pets help teach you about compassionate behavior, an essential skill for developing friendships. If you can't have your own cat, dog, horse, or the like, consider going to a pet spa or animal shelter to spend some time with those cute critters. There are also pet therapy programs with horses, or doctors can even prescribe you a cat for dealing with anxiety.
9.6 - Media Addiction and Staying in Tune with “Reality”
Media is a very powerful tool. Music, movies, books, news, cartoons, documentaries, video games, and so forth inspire thoughts, emotions, and experiences we may never have had otherwise. They give us heroes to look up to and allow us to see romanticized or condensed stories of lifestyles we may wish to embrace or strive for. Awareness of how these influences relate to our mental health is therefore important.
Consider the media and entertainment you voluntarily and involuntarily experience. Are you utilizing media in a destructive manner to make your mood worse? Going without media (no music, movies, fictitious books, etc) allows one to see a whole different side of life. If you try this, note how it makes you feel. What do you do with your time instead? I went five months without media and felt better than I ever had before. During that time I would only watch a movie or listen to music if others were experiencing it with me, which was rare. Afterward I no longer had the same addiction to media and entertainment, but could see, for instance, that music inspired me in certain situations and video games or television helped me cope when I really needed to stop thinking about something in a negative feedback loop. The break also gave me time to do more fulfilling things like make art and hang out with friends.
I have found that media can be an addiction that perpetuates an avoidance of emotions, thoughts, creativity, and healthy habits. While sometimes avoiding thoughts and feelings is healthy, it can also prevent getting better or fixing bad situations. For me, engaging in media too long makes my head foggy and in turn makes socializing with people really difficult. To remedy some aspects of this I began going to cafes to work on my computer or setting an alarm to take a break from media viewing.
News media can also consume your time and emotions to the point of preventing you from experiencing fulfillment in life. What do you really need to know about? Are you drowning in the depression of media sensationalism and propaganda when you could be caring for your local community and things you can actually change? You don't need that news! Once you realize what is beneficial to you and what is not, add back in those items and be wary of others.
Simultaneously, or instead of removing media from your life, study “media literacy.” Studying media will help you understand the underlying messages presented, see biases, and question the authenticity of the information given. From here you can begin removing oppressive and demeaning media from your life, and substitute appropriate alternatives in their place.
In general, transform your hobbies into methods of self-care and pro-social behavior. Be conscious and selective of what you experience, because it all shapes who you are and what you think about. This may be difficult at first, but as you replace fiction with reality, life becomes its own exciting adventure story.
9.7 - Acceptance of Who You Are
Depression is often caused by health problems or feelings of inadequacy. It is important to realize that you are not alone feeling judged or not good enough. Within the United States of America almost everyone grows up with self-doubt over their perceived imperfections. This is because our media portrays images of perfection to strive for that are actually fictitious or unhealthy in nature. There are times when having self-doubt or being judged make sense, and it makes sense to improve your life in such a way that you no longer are judged or have a need to feel self-doubt. Most of the time though, ignoring those stigmas makes more sense, especially when you have no control over the part of yourself in question, or when it is an unhealthy part to change. In these cases, practicing mindfulness meditation and doing things that boost your self-esteem can help alleviate negative feelings. A good starting point is to befriend people who do not judge you and who accept your personal qualities. Another starting point is acknowledging that the majority of being able to do anything is simply believing in yourself and trying. Take small steps and do not expect perfection immediately. Thirdly, clarify any fuzzy ideologies or habits you might have by identifying who you want to be perceived as and cutting out the actions that contradict that person.
Remember that you are only who you are in this present moment, and that every new moment you have an opportunity to change. Your past selves have helped develop you into who you are now, but those people are no longer you. Sure the past happened, but it stops there, and is no longer happening. Sometimes just saying “I no longer need that memory,” “I unbind myself from the past,” or “YOLO (you only live once)” can be a powerful way of moving forward. Even just acknowledging in a room that it is your space and that nothing in that space from the past or future is happening can help get you out of your head. Take a moment to embrace and accept the person, the labels, and the interests you are now.
9.8 - Abundance Mentality and Fighting Regret
“When you catch yourself slipping into a pool of
negativity, notice how it derives from nothing other
than resistance to the current situation.”
-Donna Quesada, Buddha in the Classroom:
Zen Wisdom to Inspire Teachers
Another option of accepting who you are is to create an “abundance mentality” in your life (Edberg). Think about the positive things as well as the possibilities of positive things in your life instead of what you do not, or cannot have. If you always complain about a certain time of your life, find good things that were happening then, or what good occurred because of difficulties during that time. You could also consider every new moment of your life an exciting adventure.
A lot of depression stems from ingrained thinking patterns. While it is difficult to alter learned behaviors, it is possible, and well worth it. You have the most power over how you feel, as well as the ability to deflect or reduce what you don’t want to feel. An abundance mentality gives you a tool in which to help do this. For instance, if you are anxious about going to visit someone, say aloud, “I am excited to know this person better” or “I'm joyful to have these new experiences today.” If a friendship or romance doesn't work out, you could say “I am glad for this new-found time to develop myself and cultivate more relationships” or “I learned so much while with that person.”
Thinking something will make you feel bad will most certainly make you feel bad, just as in a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, if you maintain an open mind to how an event will impact your emotions, or see the positive possibilities available to you through such an event, the negative feelings will remain for much less time or not be there at all. Do not confuse this with avoiding feelings–when regrets or tragedies do arise, you fully experience the pain they cause, but then move forward and use them as an opportunity to learn and grow. By embracing an abundance mentality you simply become much more tolerant toward changes, whether people cancel plans on you or a difficult event happens in your life. Every moment is full of positive possibilities.
A wonderfully written, absurdly silly, and yet serious book to help you cultivate an abundance mentality is Pronoia Is The Antidote for Paranoia by Rob Brezsny. In one chapter Brezsny writes, “You came into this world as a radiant bundle of exuberant riddles. You slipped into this dimension as a shimmering burst of spiral hallelujahs. You blasted into this realm as a lush explosion of ecstatic gratitude. And it is your birthright to fulfill those promises” (Brezsny 81). In another chapter he says “Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. Through some magic you don't fully understand, you're still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you've been unconscious for many hours. The air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep” (Brezsny 6). There are literally hundreds of questions, thoughts, and poems to wake you up to how amazing you, the world, and universe are.
9.9 - Fix Distorted Beliefs
Cognitive therapy offers a useful tool for sorting out rational thoughts from distorted ones. Common distortions include “all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification or minimization, emotional reasoning, should statements, labeling and mislabeling, and personalization” (Schimelpfening). For more information on these, research “cognitive distortions.” You can untangle distorted thinking by sorting out which thoughts and feelings are true and justified, and which need alteration. For a given situation the table above provides a useful framework to work from. This example situation involves the thoughts a person might have after being broken up with.
Once you realize an alternative or more reasonable thought, you can focus on that instead of the negative thought(s) you were having. You can also combine this technique with an abundance mentality to reform negative thoughts into ones which promote the positive aspects of a situation.
9.10 - Boost Confidence and Self-Esteem
Depressed feelings may be triggered by stressful events or the approach of events. When you have the time, prepare by boosting your confidence and self-esteem. According to researcher and 2012 TedGlobal speaker Amy Cuddy, using your body's natural power poses decreases anxiety and stress while simultaneously boosting your confidence and self-esteem (Cuddy). Power poses include those that take up a lot of space. For instance, putting your hands on your hips, or even better, creating a victory stance by raising your hands up into the air and widening your legs. Doing so for just two minutes will have lasting effects, at least long enough to give your speech or attend that meeting. This technique may be more effective by getting really into the act. As Amy Cuddy says, “fake it till you make it!” For instance, look into the mirror and talk yourself up while in the pose, or play the part of a great orator. What will also help boost confidence and self-esteem, as well as help you play this role, is dressing in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. Pick clothing, a hairstyle, and makeup that is intentional and fits the situation. “Fake it till you make it” means that it's possible to use simple techniques like these until, over time, you aren't just faking confidence, you are more confident and you do have better self-esteem. Remember also that nothing will happen unless you first try, and as Marshall Rosenberg likes to say, “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
9.11 - Accept What You Fear
Many feelings are absolutely rational, but others create unnecessary strife and misdirect where action is needed. Underlying feelings such as hatred, dislike, and jealousy are sometimes fear. By identifying this root emotion you take responsibility for external or internal conflict and can challenge yourself to grow. There might be a fear of not being as good as someone else, being wrong, of a recurrence of a past event, being harmed, being emotionally hurt, or being embarrassed. For instance, if you have a problem keeping friends, becoming angry, walking around publicly, being intimate with a person, or seeing others being intimate, you can ask yourself how fear is influencing the feelings you experience when put in those situations. Which of these fears are rational and which are irrational? Which can you transform?
Accepting the outcomes of certain fears also allows us to move on and sprout happiness where once there was negativity. Many hobbies, habits, and thinking patterns result from the fear of what would happen if we did not do one thing or another. However, this creates a negative mindset when doing these things. Activities often pursued out of fear and negativity include activism, social tendencies, dressing up, diets, and careers. If your actions are based on fear, work on accepting the worst possible outcome of not doing that thing. Instead of holding onto the fear, allow it to fully happen in your imagination. Generally this outcome really isn't that bad, and at the very worst is only one of thousands of possibilities that could happen. Holding onto one possibility that makes you feel bad is simply not productive. It might be helpful to even stop doing the fear-based activity altogether for a little while. Transform negative tendencies into positive ones by pursuing those activities out of enjoyment, happiness, love, or fulfillment. If you cannot alter these feelings, pursue different activities.
9.12 - Make a Game
Throughout history people have played games because they are fun. Games bring an exciting dynamic to activities that make people try harder, work better, and enjoy it. Transforming mundane tasks into games will help you form habits and think more positively about the task that you're doing. You can form games with yourself or compete against other people. For instance, how fast can you fold the laundry, or guess how many pancakes of X size you can make with the amount of batter you've mixed, or try to beat your best mile time running, or spend a day without using certain words in your sentences. There is a game hidden in every corner of life.
9.13 - Losing and Finding Identity
Some people experience confusion and depression surrounding a loss of their identity. Identity crises may result from a changing of personality, aging, loss of loved ones, leaving a community or family, an injury or disease, changing environments, attempting to accommodate new friends or a new community, changing genders, or changing sexes. The loss of an identity may be thought of as an exciting opportunity to create an even better, stronger, and truer you, or simply to try out a different way of life. Time is a very important component of finding a new identity or re-finding an identity. It usually will not happen overnight, especially when friends and family try to reinforce your old patterns. It is therefore important to inform family and old friends of your changes, as well as to find new friends, community, and activities to engage in for support developing your new identity. For more information, see Friendships, Relationships, and Community (Section 6.14). It will also be helpful to explore yourself through writing, and even create a plan of what your new identity looks like. To move forward you might also need to release everything from the past and live wholly in the present moment, or hold a ritual or ceremony for your change (See Section 6.1).
A temporary form of identity loss known as disassociation also occurs when a person does not confront suffering in their life or is uncomfortable with themselves or a given situation. The individual is suddenly unsure of where they are, who they are, or who they are speaking with. It can last anywhere from several seconds to several hours. If you experience this form of identity loss, consider seeing a therapist, finding ways of accepting yourself, and confronting the sources of your suffering.
9.14 - Find Purpose and Meaning in Life
Viktor Frankl wrote in his book, Man's Search For Meaning, “...it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to 'be happy.' But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to 'be happy'" (Smith, Emily). In other words, happiness is nothing without first having a sense of meaning or purpose in one's existence. Happiness will come when you focus on living your life fully without avoiding negative emotions and circumstances.
Deciding on a specific purpose or passion can be a helpful grounding point to live life by, especially when you have a million options to choose from. Many pursue a purpose involving religion, spirituality, happiness, love, a hobby, friendship, family, or providing services. There is absolutely nothing wrong with living without an overall purpose or taking time to figure one or several out, so don’t get discouraged. It is just helpful for some people. If you do have something you are passionate about, create reminders for yourself about it. Put up pictures, place stickers on your fridge, wear a button, get a tattoo, or sign up for news feeds to stimulate thoughts and
feelings regarding that passion no matter what mood you are in. You could even have a ritual with a group of people to commit to certain ideas and behaviors (Section 6.1). Doing so gives you a strong communal sense that even if life is difficult, you are going to maintain your commitments. Just remember that pursuing something simply for the sake of your personal happiness can hurt a lot of people; find sources of happiness that make many people happy rather than just yourself.
Succeeding creates happiness, but if you can be your genuine self while succeeding, you will also find a sense of meaning (McGregor). You're not going to get a great emotional benefit out of succeeding in a job or relationship you find lackluster and limiting. This being the case, it is good to pursue hobbies and work you really enjoy and feel comfortable doing. What moves you?
9.15 - Spiritual, Religious, and
Philosophical Pathways
A spiritual or religious pathway offers many healthy outlets for coping with depression and anxiety. Community, meditation, prayer, and meaning are just a few of the things that some spiritual and religious groups provide. These groups tend to be very supportive and a great way to make social connections as well.
While any belief system can be healthy, one must be careful with ideologies that preach mentally unhealthy ideas. One must also be careful of personally using spiritual, religious, and even philosophical beliefs as a means of justifying their depressive behaviors. I did this while growing up. The spiritual principles I created explained my symptoms of depression as something entirely else, and so I used my spirituality as an excuse to not seek help. This did act as a coping mechanism in its own way and assisted me in getting through my more troublesome years “safely,” though I’ve witnessed others utilize spiritual principles in destructive acts either against themselves or others. I would not say that spirituality discovered through a depressed perspective negates those spiritual experiences, but I would deeply analyze what is an excuse for a depressive habit and what is truly spiritual or religious.
9.16 - Drop the Judgment
Judgment is the act of associating a thing with certain qualities, often without knowing those things to be true. Judgment is natural, and some judgments are important. We like some things and we dislike others, and speed up our decisions by applying experiences we've had before to similar experiences in the future. In a world with so much to judge though, judgments make us spend more time than we want thinking negatively, and in turn drive us into sadness, anger, and depression. Not only that, but judgments make communication and conflict resolution almost impossible, because they hide feelings and needs. “That is good” or “that is bad” statements give an individual very little information about how to proceed with a situation. This is especially the case when we dwell on our judgments and carry them around with us. Reworking judgments begins with becoming aware of them. The feelings created when we judge are almost instantaneous, so it is difficult to notice that the judgmental thoughts and the associated feelings are in fact separate. If you remove the judgments, the feelings will not arise. Judgment can be very subtle, such as when reading a book written in a way you dislike, or more overbearing, such as when you see someone dressed in a way you've always associated with something bad.
What do you lose by dropping your judgments of things or people? Probably nothing. What do you gain? A lot more happiness and opportunities to experience the world. Here are some tips for dropping judgment:
9.17 - PTSD and Coming to Terms with a Traumatic Past (please note this section is somewhat out of date. please read my updated Trauma Guide for free by clicking this link)
Some cases of depression are caused by events that occurred years ago. Confronting difficult experiences from the past can be liberating, and reduce stress. This is difficult, as traumatic events are often something people want to push out of their memory. However, they are another key to accepting oneself and understanding one’s experience of depressed feelings and depression. Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) impacts many people in minor to major ways. The process of confronting the inner demons causing negative responses can be a long one, but therapists will greatly help in the process. Ask your doctor for a therapist that specializes in PTSD treatment. If you'd like to start healing now, it may be helpful to fully separate from the causes of trauma and avoid situations that trigger traumatic memories. Doing so will provide a safe healing space and room for unraveling the reasons for your PTSD. Thoroughly understand your trauma and PTSD. Try writing about your past and emotions in detail and about how different events affect your current behavior and mood. A friend or family member may also give special insight into your memories if you are able to share your story openly. When you feel ready slowly reintroduce the traumatic triggers in a healthy environment. Either find acceptance with the triggers, or learn a new habit response to the habit cues such as deep breathing. Remember that this all takes time.
9.18 - Deal with the Negative Emotions You Have about Yourself and Others as Soon as Possible
Suffering is an important aspect of life. Growth and knowledge is found in these difficulties, and so it is generally good to work through it. In fact, avoiding dealing with negative emotions directed toward yourself or another person can quickly pull the whole mind into a state of depressed feelings or depression. Often the longer you wait to deal with these feelings, the harder the situation becomes to remediate and the worse the suffering becomes (granted that some time is necessary to process thoughts and react constructively to a situation). What do I mean by avoiding dealing with negative emotions? It is the lack of making a decision. Communicating with a friend, accepting certain qualities of a person, quitting a job, practicing mindfulness, or ending a relationship would all be potentially beneficial decisions, whereas complaining, venting, doing nothing, or obsessing over the negative qualities of a situation would constitute avoidance. Be proactive about your mental health.
As for altering negative feelings toward another person, there are two main ways. First, communicate to the person that you're upset with by using non-violent communication (see Section 10.4). State your feelings and observable facts in a neutral tone, but do not use name calling or slander. This may be easier after taking some space away from the source of your anger, but the sooner you deal with it the less it will consume you. If direct communication is difficult, a letter (or e-mail) may be used instead. A letter is helpful if you don't feel like you can remember everything you need to say, or even to just sort your thoughts out, but be aware that it is difficult to interpret a person's tone from letters. If a letter is used, it is best to directly hand it to the person and have them read it immediately so that any confusion can be clarified. This also avoids the anxiety created when waiting for a response.
If communication is not an option, or is too difficult, forgive the source of your suffering. Remember that everyone has their own difficulties, has their bad days, makes mistakes, and is constantly changing. Some personalities don't get along, but plenty more do. Why dwell on the negative when there are so many positive things to be experienced? Whenever your mind starts making a judgment or saying something hateful, say something nice, and focus on that instead. “He is such a jerk” could become “he is a very hard worker.” Remind yourself that thinking hateful thoughts or making judgments is not helping anyone or teaching anyone a better method of being, and generally just hurts you. As mentioned in Deep Breathing, Meditation, Mindfulness, Prayer, and Rituals (Section 6.1) prayers of forgiveness may also help you let go of what has happened in the past. Since you cannot change what already happened, you may as well be content or happy with the idea that the universe meant it to happen for your personal story. Whether out of difficulty or happiness, regret gets you nowhere. Of course, you can learn from regret and act differently in the future, but right now, why dwell on the past?
9.19 - The Health of Stress, Sadness, and Anger
As you explore coping with depression and depressed feelings, you may attempt to avoid situations that create stress, sadness, anger, and other “negative” feelings. Know however that these are all parts of the human experience, and avoiding them is to avoid learning, growing, and even experiencing many positive aspects of life. As 2010 TEDxHouston speaker Brené Brown says, “vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” (Brown). When we try to numb an emotion, we numb the emotions we don't want to numb as well. Sometimes it is the negative or difficult experiences that make us find our happiness. Sometimes things just need to get really bad before you find the motivation to make changes in your life, or before you finally understand advice you heard years ago. Do your best to continue living your life, to communicate your needs and desires, and to take on an uncomfortable situation to get where you want to be. As I like to say, “hit rock bottom so hard you go straight through to the other side.” In this way I do not ignore my suffering which has much to teach, but rather fully embrace it. Simultaneously these words help me keep in mind that I am trying to grow rather than become the same person I was before.
Uncomfortable situations provide a lot of motivation for creating constructive changes in our lives. Thus, seeing them as opportunities, rather than tragedies to be kept secret from ourselves, is very important to rediscovering a content and happy place. Welcome stress in as a challenge to grow from and overcome. As Rob Brezsny says, “engage in a relationship with the blind and sickly parts of yourself, perfect them, and you will awaken your hidden divinity” (Brezsny 126). Of course, some suffering is just too much to digest quickly, and you may need to revisit it later once you have taken care of the immediate difficulties associated with that pain. I wish it were easier, and I wish that someone could provide some insight that would make it all go away or get it over with quicker, but in order to grow stronger, wiser, and happier, sometimes you need to figure out those hard experiences on your own. It is the trade-off we make for being human and living fulfilling lives.
10. Communication
10.1 - Communication Styles
How we communicate greatly impacts the way people treat us, and in turn plays a role in our relationships and moods. Communication is more than words and tone of voice, we also communicate through our clothing, activities, hair style, and body language. Part of a personality is displayed through these various factors, but it might be hard to realize how you are portraying yourself or what impact you are having on another person when you have communicated the way you do for so long. This is especially prevalent when interacting with different cultures. One culture may talk louder, and could be perceived as aggressive by others. Another culture may see themselves as polite, but be seen as passive or passive aggressive by others. City to city, state to state, coast to coast, and country to country there is a vast diversity of communication styles. Even within the same area, people grow up being better hands-on, auditory, or visual communicators. When people talk to us with a different style of communication, it may be difficult to know if that communication is emotionally charged or not. It is therefore important to consider cultural factors, not make assumptions, and
have empathy when communicating. Asking questions is the key to understanding.
Sometimes our style of communication is not in line with how we want to be perceived nor used in a way that attracts the people we want in our lives. It takes a measure of mindfulness to determine why people treat you the way they do. You may have become complacent with this treatment and how new interactions don't always go so well, but perhaps you want to change that. Do you want to sound more confident, swear less, say positive things more often, stop using words like “umm” and “like,” always have a joke handy as a conversation starter, or not be so argumentative? All of these are habits that take time to form or break. It may be helpful to practice alone to create new patterns of speech, and while in public note when you use a speech pattern you dislike.
10.2 - Introverts and Extroverts
There are distinctive social differences between introverts, extroverts, and shy people, and it is worth noting to yourself as well as your peers which trait(s) you tend toward. If you are not meeting your needs as an introvert or extrovert, it will increase your potential for depression. Susan Cain's New York Times bestseller, Quiet, describes the lesser understood introvert quite well. Debate exists over the exact definition of an introvert and extrovert, but the basic idea is that introverts need more alone time or quieter one-on-one social interaction to recharge their energy, whereas extroverts find social life and groups energizing (Cain 12-14). Just because a person is introverted does not mean that they dislike groups or social interaction. Both introverts and extroverts can experience shyness, a trait describing social anxiety or hesitation toward strangers, acquaintances, and even friends. Unfortunately introverts are more likely to experience depression than extroverts due to a tendency of obsessively thinking over the same thought (Law).
Everyone is on a spectrum between an introvert and extrovert, with few people fully taking on all the characteristics of one category. That said, the United States of America is dominated by extroverted thought in schools, work spaces, and culture, even though at least one third of the population consists of introverts (Cain 3). If you are an introvert it is important to make your needs known. Not all these traits apply to everyone, and certainly no one is bound to them, but some characteristics associated with introverts include:
Introverts also tend to fit the category of “highly sensitive.” According to Dr. Elaine Aron, people with high sensitivities often:
Cain also asserts that introverts can temporarily thrive in extroverted environments, but eventually they need to find a “restorative niche.” A restorative niche is where you can comfortably be yourself and recharge your energy, even for just a couple of minutes (Cain 219). For an overwhelmed introvert these might include places like their room, nature, a quiet space with one other friend, or even a bathroom stall. Hopefully someday soon more people will acknowledge the needs of introverts and create an abundance of spaces that recharge rather than drain their energy, but until then establishing these places is likely up to you.
10.3 - Imaginary Conversations and Arguments
I find that any imaginary conversations or arguments in my head are unhealthy. Perhaps it can act as a rehearsal or way to vent out more extreme feelings for some, but it tends to make me feel worse or never talk to people I need to speak with. If you fall into this same pattern and catch yourself having conversations in your head, consider breathing deeply, writing out the conversation, or going directly to the person in question to speak with them.
10.4 - Violent and Nonviolent Communication
Our style of communication also impacts our ability to have needs met and deal with serious or argumentative conversations. According to Marshall B. Rosenberg, “violent” communication often incorporates:
These common methods of expressing needs and feelings are hostile and make ourselves or others defensive and closed off to the words spoken. They are also all “alienated expressions of our needs” (Rosenberg 55). In other words, these hostile expressions can be reworded into unmet needs we personally have instead of attacks on a person. That is why Marshall B. Rosenberg created nonviolent communication, or NVC for short. NVC works by avoiding language that psychologically creates defensiveness and instead promotes language that creates openness. In his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion, he explains how to use observations, feelings, needs, and requests to navigate unmet needs you or others around you have (Rosenberg 6).
Stating Unmet Needs You Have:
Non-Judgmental Language
The key with phrasing is to use non-judgmental language. Many words we use to describe feelings are actually evaluations of the other person, or how we interpret their actions (Rosenberg 44). This includes words such as “attacked, cheated, manipulated, provoked, rejected,” and “unwanted (Rosenberg 44).” Work on removing judgmental language from your vocabulary. Instead of jumping to conclusions, consider the many reasons for a person acting the way that they did, or better yet, try to connect with a person by asking them about their needs. “Are you feeling angry because _______?” When asking these questions, do not blame yourself by using “I.” Try to guess their unmet needs that are at the root of their suffering. See Drop The Judgment (Section 9.16) for more information.
Suggestions
NVC is a complicated technique and involves even more than the basics covered here. For more NVC guidance, read the book, watch video tutorials, and seek out local workshops. It's not something I would say for any other material, but Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion should be part of all formal education, or even required reading for the human race. It's a powerful and life changing tool!
Reminder: I am not a medical professional. If you decide to use one of these substances prior to consulting with a medical professional, you do so at your own risk.
Pharmaceutical, psychedelic, and herbal medicines have been found to help relieve depression in users. Only an overview of taking pharmaceuticals is given in this guide, as a medical health professional should prescribe you the proper type and dosage for your needs. Although some herbal medicines are generally known to be safe, medical advice from an herbalist and doctor should be sought before regularly taking any herb in high doses. What I’ve included is an overview that will enable you to do further research. Due to the illegality of psychedelics, only preliminary research from doctors given special government approval is available. Recent research has included studies on LSD, ketamine (cat tranquilizers), psilocybin (magic mushrooms), and ecstasy.
8.1 - Pharmaceuticals and Doctor Prescribed Drugs
Pharmaceutical antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications can be very helpful for people that experience chronic genetic or chemical abnormalities in their body. When these abnormalities cause depression, they often result in major or severe depression. Pharmaceutical medicines correct the balance of chemicals or make up for malfunctioning genes.
I am not a medical professional, but from my research and conversations with people who do take antidepressants, this is what I understand about them: pharmaceuticals do sometimes work and can be of great help, but there is a problem with how many doctors prescribe them. The beginning of this book mentioned that, when pharmaceutical antidepressants do work, it is not well understood why. This is in part because doctors rarely test for the specific genetic abnormality or chemical deficiencies they are treating. As a result most doctors use a “guess and check” method when prescribing medications for depression and anxiety. Due to this lack of testing, as well as there being depression unrelated to chronic chemical and genetic abnormalities such as that caused by life experiences, life choices, and nutrient deficiencies, doctors may incorrectly prescribe pharmaceutical medicines. This is further exasperated by doctors rarely prescribing healthy life choices and coping mechanisms instead of, or alongside of, medications.
Even when you are correctly prescribed to take pharmaceutical antidepressants, you may need to try several different medications, the dosage may need to be adjusted, or you may need to take several antidepressants together to have a beneficial effect. Antidepressants can seemingly work for a short time and then stop working. Also keep in mind that it can take four or more weeks to feel any beneficial changes from a new medication.
Pharmaceutical antidepressants can cause a number of wide-ranging side effects as well. If you feel like the trade-offs are too much, become more depressed, or think of suicide, talk to your doctor. They may suggest a different medication, pair your current medication with another, or try a completely different method of controlling your depression. Switching medications can be very difficult emotionally, so try to have a solid support network to help you through your transition. If you want to get off your medication(s), talk to your doctor first to set up a schedule to slowly reduce your dosage; doing so too suddenly can result in symptoms of withdrawal such as heightened levels of depression. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that while medicines may be able to treat the root source of your depression, a content and happy life still relies on healthy habits and lifestyle choices.
8.2 - Herbal Medicines for Depression
5-HTP
5-HTP is a precursor to serotonin and is derived from the African plant, Griffonia simplicifolia (Griffonia). There is very little research complete and no long-term studies. Short-term studies indicate 5-HTP is more effective than placebo controls in elevating mood (Shaw). My personal experience has been positive, but I have always taken it in conjunction with Vitamin D3. 5-HTP is available online and through health food stores.
Lavender
Researchers found that lavender petal tea and extract helps lessen symptoms of depression (Dwyer). It also smells great!
Marijuana(?) (Illegal)
As mentioned previously in the What Substances to Avoid (Section 7.3), marijuana can cause depression, anxiety, and even schizophrenia for some, but helps reduce depressive symptoms for others. Using marijuana on a case-by-case basis when depressive flare ups occur may have a more positive role in preventing depression. Specific cultivars of marijuana may also differ in their psychological effects upon an individual. Of course, marijuana is still considered illegal by the federal government and most state governments, and depression is not a condition covered under current medical marijuana prescriptions.
Saffron
Saffron Crocus is a flower that is grown in many parts of the world to make the very expensive saffron spice from the stigma (Crocus). In one study comparing the anti-depressants Prozac and Imipramine to saffron, saffron was more effective and tolerable (Dwyer). The petals seem to have similar anti-depressant qualities to the stigma and may help make saffron a cost-effective option in the future. Until then, you could grow your own and dry them.
St. John's Wort
According to a book review of St. John's Wort and Its Active Principles in Depression and Anxiety by the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, St. John's Wort is an effective antidepressant (Szabadi). It, however, cannot treat cases of severe depression (Carpenter). It is an herb, but it is also a potent medicine, and must not be mixed with other medicines such as “certain classes of immunosuppressants, antivirals, anticoagulants and oral contraceptives...” (Szabadi). Take note as well that it lessens the efficacy of other drugs, thus limiting who can use it (Dwyer). It is suggested that, like any antidepressant, you ask a medical professional before use, especially if transitioning from another antidepressant. One side effect of taking St. John's Wort is becoming more sensitive to sunlight, so be sure to cover up!
Turmeric (Curcumin)
Limited testing has been done in India with curcumin as an antidepressant. Curcumin is a compound found in turmeric. Alone, curcumin showed comparable efficacy to Prozak, and when paired with Prozak further increased Prozak's efficacy as an antidepressant (J Sanmukhani). Curcumin must be taken with black pepper or pepper extract to absorb properly (Weil).
8.3 - Herbal Medicines for Stress and Anxiety
Ashwagandha
Ashwagandha is an adaptogen, an herb that helps reduce anxiety or stress-inducing conditions (G. Singh). It also helps prevent ulcers and is an aphrodisiac.
Coffee(?)
As mentioned earlier in the section, What Substances To Avoid (Section 7.3), many studies show that coffee improves mood, but it creates a dependency and might cause anxiousness for some (Smith, Andrew P.).
Ginseng
Ginseng is a plant whose root is used for a number of purposes. Some species of ginseng, including Panax (Korean ginseng), Eleutherococcus senticosus (Siberian ginseng), and Withania somnifera (Indian ginseng), have been documented in lowering stress levels (Head).
Golden Root
Small studies of the plant Rhodiola rosea, or golden root, have shown that taking extracts of the plant cause a reduction in anxiety and mental fatigue and improvement in sleep quality (Head).
L-Theanine (Tea)
Extracted from green and black teas, L-Theanine has been shown to lower anxiety without a sedative effect (Head). A cup of tea contains about 20 milligrams of L-Theanine, but the studies cited used much more concentrated extracts of the pure chemical.
Motherwort
Motherwort has a sedative effect and can calm a racing heart (Rezaei). It is therefore sometimes used for anxiety.
Tulsi (Holy Basil)
Tulsi, or Holy Basil, has traditionally been used in India to treat a whole host of aliments. Few studies have been conducted on humans, but animal research and traditional usage suggests it is “antimicrobial, adaptogenic, antidiabetic, hepatoprotective, anti-inflammatory, anti-carcinogenic, radioprotective, immunomodulatory, neuroprotective, and cardio-protective” (E Singh). The adaptogenic properties specifically help with stress and anxiety.
Valerian
Valerian helps with anxiety and is a sedative for those having trouble sleeping (Head 9-10). Numerous studies show that, in comparison to pharmaceutical equivalents, there are fewer side effects too.
Other Herbs for Anxiety and Sleeping
Because of the lack of solid research regarding them and because some have dangerous side-effects, I won't go into detail about more herbs. Many others do exist which carry some evidence in reducing anxiety and working as sleep aids. These include brahmi (Bacopa monniera), gotu kola (Centella asiatica), rain-of-gold (Galphimia glauca), German chamomile (Matricarie chamomilla), lemon balm (Melissa officinalis), passionflower (Passiflora incarnata), kava kava (Piper methysticum), hops (Humulus lupulus), blue skullcap (Scutellaria lateriflora), and jujabe (Ziziphus jujuba) (Head 125). Several of these compare in effectiveness evenly with pharmaceutical equivalents, but with fewer side effects. Some are also toxic if taken over long periods of time or at high doses, so again, it's important to do your research or consult a medical professional.
8.4 - Psychedelics (Illegal)
Researchers have found that small doses of psychedelics such as LSD, ketamine (cat tranquilizers), and psilocybin (“magic” mushrooms) reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder for months after use (Brauser). The theory is that patients are given a new perspective to look through and may thereby find a way around their typical negative mood (Cloud). Ceremonial use of psychedelics by native groups continues to happen today, but these substances are illegal according to federal law. People can and have lost their mind with the recreational use of psychedelics, and so further testing is still needed before the medical community accepts psychedelics as a treatment for depression. For the latest research on psychedelic substances go to <www.maps.
org/>, or read more personal accounts and safety issues at <www.erowid.org>.
8.5 - Ecstasy/MDMA (Illegal)
Past research (2004) indicates that the effects of Ecstasy/MDMA are negative, associating it with depression and delayed cognitive abilities (C. Stough). However, more recent research (2012) that utilized better control techniques found that MDMA usage does not have long-term residual effects (Szalavitz). In fact, after two or three MDMA aided therapy sessions, seventeen out of twenty patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) no longer showed symptoms associated with PTSD. This was with a controlled dosage in a controlled environment. Like most other “hard” drugs, outside of the lab many people do report having depressed feelings after the illegal usage of this substance. Even so, some have high hopes for MDMA-based therapy aiding in marriage counseling, PTSD, depression, schizophrenia, and more. Like most mind-altering drugs though, MDMA can be dangerous and is considered illegal by the federal government.
9. Thoughts for Change
Reforming my thinking patterns has been the most important aspect of cultivating happiness for myself. How I think about a situation often determines whether depressed feelings arise. Even if I am experiencing depression, certain thinking patterns can make those episodes much more tolerable or alleviate them altogether. Many practitioners of Buddhism believe that all humans have everything they already need to be happy regardless of their situation. I disagreed with this for a very long time, but now think it is possible, so long
as a person has the right tools. These tools allow us to build up the parts of ourselves we like and break down the parts we want to move away from. In turn we cultivate happiness and contentment. This is not about avoiding or running away from difficult situations; it is about changing mental attitudes, unraveling mental distortions, and finding acceptance with our life story. The following chapter includes ways of thinking and changing thinking that I've found helpful. Keep in mind that just as you train your body to be stronger, the mind must also be given exercises and challenges to grow stronger. This takes time and energy, so don't get discouraged or overwhelm yourself. Grow one step at a time.
9.1 - Unmet Needs
Connecting your feelings to unmet needs will help put into perspective what causes you suffering and what actions to take in order to feel better in a given situation. Manfred Max-Neef believes that all humans have the same nine basic needs. Ask yourself if you are sufficiently receiving all these needs. If you are not, then figuring out how you can better meet these needs may help your situation. Reworded into simpler terms by Marshall Rosenberg, these needs are:
- Sustenance
- Safety
- Love
- Empathy
- Rest (recreation and play)
- Community
- Creativity
- Autonomy (freedom)
- Meaning (purpose)
9.2 - Maintain a Positive Environment
Remove Negative Environments
It is important to have environments that nourish us because these spaces greatly influence our thoughts and feelings. Remove yourself from perpetually stressful or negative situations that you cannot confront or change. These might include a work environment or living situation. This is not the same as avoiding your emotions, but is rather a deep awareness of your feelings and needs. Creating huge changes can be difficult, but giving yourself the chance to be happy and comfortable is an essential baseline. You needn’t see this as "running away" or "giving up," but rather as a healthy life decision. A negative space can be debilitating and make change nearly impossible.
Alter Your Daily Routine
Another option is to alter your daily routine by spending time in a different environment or doing something nice for yourself. Go to a friend’s house, a park, a cafe, a pet spa, the farmers market, or the woods. Even if you can’t get out, do something enjoyable like taking a hot bath, making a cup of tea, looking at pictures of cute animals, getting a massage, or meditating to cheer up. For me, changing my routine greatly relieves the stress built up by nit-picking the normal environments I engage in. Especially when I sleep in a different place, I realize that the world is much bigger than my normal scope of perception and my causes of stress suddenly become less important. Getting out to nature is especially relieving in that it is almost completely removed from humanity and city stresses such as noise and pollution. Just think about how the beauty of a forest or the ocean induce a calming state. For the sake of your mental health it is well worth your time to visit or live in environments like these.
Create Positive Living Spaces
Calmness is also manifested in aesthetic design, so organize and decorate your living and working spaces in such a way that it enhances your mood and makes you enjoy being there. If messes or difficulty finding things stress you out, clean up. You can also create an environment with colors, pictures, books, lighting, labels, quotes, order, and sounds that you find pleasing. In the end though, if an environment doesn’t have the right feel, such as lacking an appropriate amount of natural light, you should consider moving or building your own home. For more ideas on making your space pleasant, read books or go online for information on feng shui, interior design, and organization.
Take Spatial Ownership
Even if a space is not yours to alter, you can mentally take ownership of it. Just observe the surrounding area from the floor to the ceiling and say, “I have a right to be here and a right to have my needs of safety and contentment met.” It may seem like a strange thing to do, but this simple act creates a sense of empowerment by boosting confidence and comfort. Mind you, some spaces are not yours to be in and this should not be used as a means of over-staying your welcome.
Work as Play
Another mental trick is finding out how to see your work as play. Practicing mindfulness and being fully present with your work is a good starting point. Recognizing the needs that your work is meeting and being joyful for those needs being met is another. Work can be played as a game as well. How fast can you do a given task? Can you grow personally through exploring certain thoughts? Can you practice a skill? Can you listen to an informational audio recording? Can you find humor in what you have normally seen as mundane? There are many options for play.
9.3 - Collective Feelings
Sometimes many people, or a group of people, are simultaneously stressed, sad, and feeling depressed. These collective feelings can “rub” off onto you, and make it all the more difficult to understand why you feel the way you do. There are multiple ways that collective feelings can spread. Stressful events such as college finals or a murder drive a community into a lower mood, in turn making that community express less positive attitudes in day-to-day interactions and social media.
Some people also contribute collective feelings to the phases of the moon and planetary cycles. There may be credibility to these beliefs. For instance, the light from a full moon interrupts the sleep hormone melatonin and in turn decreases deep sleep and makes falling asleep more difficult (Cajochen). As discussed previously, sleep deprivation and low sleep quality increase the potential of experiencing depressed feelings. If moonlight penetrates through your curtains, the best you can do is wear a sleeping mask, but exposure to the light of the moon during your evening hours may also contribute to melatonin disruption.
The experience of a collective mood is somewhat confusing with seemingly no trigger causing your depressed feelings. These collective feelings do tend to pass within several days. Just do what you can to maintain your self-care and be open with your community about the changes in your mood. It is gratifying to hear that everyone else you know experienced the same low.
9.4 - Stop Workaholism and Take Time for Yourself
Many people are brought up with an emphasis on efficiency and productivity doing work. However, it is important to realize that there are a number of ways to be efficient and productive, and one of those ways involves taking care of yourself. There is a balance to consider between being selfish and becoming overloaded with caring for others, but the point is to spend enough time caring for yourself to feel content and fulfilled. It may seem as though something awful will happen if you take a break from all the work you “need” to do, as if walls will crumble or some other catastrophe will occur, but this is very rarely true. Contentment and happiness become harder to grasp the less you care for yourself, and so it is important to take the time necessary to recharge and enjoy life.
Try scheduling one day a week that is absolutely your day. Plan the entire time around good self-care, and do nothing (even thinking) related to projects or work that have been put upon you. It may be hard at first, but undoing the learned behavior of overworking yourself and instead putting a priority on mental wellness is an important step to finding contentment in life. If one day is too much initially, try for half the day, or an hour each day. Another option is to go on a weekend adventure, or schedule time off for something longer. You deserve it.
9.5 - Therapy
Everyone and everything you ever meet will be a teacher, whether they guide you toward or away from the thoughts, activities, and experiences bountiful in the world. There is knowledge in all interactions, and we may seek it out through friendships, family, therapists, spiritual and religious teachers, support groups, dreams, horoscopes, and even pets.
Friends and Family
Have people in your life that you can talk to about your depression. Even if you don’t feel like socializing, forcing yourself to be around people you enjoy can knock you out of a depressed state. More people than you think relate to how you're feeling and can assure you that the world is not falling apart. Keeping it bottled up will only make matters worse. That said, be careful with how much you ask of one person; it can be difficult for them as well. Spread out your friend base and try not to be negative all the time, or to continuously reiterate the same negative thoughts or happenings to one person. Once is enough, and more than that can be destructive to yourself as well as your friend. Use the support of friends to create positive spaces where you can safely have constructive dialogues and do fun activities. If your friends do not fulfill these needs when you are depressed, or your depression alienates your friends, seeing a professional therapist or support group may be for you. This act will allow you to process negative thoughts and feelings around a neutral figure while preserving time with friends and family for positive social interactions and experiences. See Section 6.14 for more information.
Professional Therapists
Professional therapists are trained to help you get to the root of your psychological difficulties, analyze why you are depressed, and confront those causes whether past or present. Although often expensive, some therapists have sliding scale fees for those with low income. Some insurance plans also cover therapy. Every therapist is different, so if one doesn’t work for you, another might. Don't be afraid of switching therapists! Interview a new therapist to make sure that you feel comfortable speaking with them and that they are knowledgeable in the areas you want to work on. Unless you are having a crisis, it may be several weeks between beginning the process of searching for a therapist and working on your life with them. It is therefore beneficial to seek out a therapist while in a stable mood so you can immediately access help when in need. The paperwork you sign does revoke some of your confidentiality, but unless you are seriously considering suicide, going to harm someone, or a court asks for your files to be released, information you share with your therapist remains safe.
There are many different types of therapists, a number of which specialize in specific psychological conditions. A few types of therapy used for depressed persons include psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapy, cognitive therapy, behavior therapy, interpersonal therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (very popular), cognitive hypnotherapy, experiential therapy, and online therapy. Conduct research online or ask your doctor what type of therapy would best meet your needs.
Spiritual and Religious Teachers
Professional therapists, while often helpful, come from a scientific and institutional perspective that may lack a spiritual, religious, and cultural understanding of a person. Depending on your beliefs, some advice and healing is better found in spiritual and religious teachers. This therapy may take place one-on-one, in a congregation, in a group, in books or videos, or in a ceremony.
Support Groups
Support groups can greatly relieve stress and depression, especially when caused by physical ailments such as cancer or illness (U Koc). Interacting with someone else who has been through the same difficulties as you makes the act of speaking openly about your symptoms, past, and emotions much easier. A good support group incorporates fun activities, goal setting, positive affirmations, and mutual support. Many support groups exist, and if they don’t in your area you could start your own, or find ones that fit your needs online at sites like <psychcentral.com/resources/Depression/Support_Groups/>. There is also a twelve-step program for depression and depressed feelings called Emotions Anonymous <www.emotionsanonymous.org>. You are not alone in your struggles.
Dreams
Some of my most important healing, especially around trauma, has happened through dreaming. This came about by paying attention to my dreams, writing them down, and analyzing them. Read Sleeping and Awakening (Section 7.4) to learn how to deal with nightmares and gain better control of your dreams.
Horoscopes
Horoscopes provide material to help deepen your understanding of yourself. Based on planetary alignment, moon position, and your birth date, astrology is an alternative explanation of why things are the way they are in your life. Even if you don't believe in astrology or resonate with all of the horoscopes for you, many give advice that is good for anyone to follow and can be a fun thing to look forward to during the week. You could even read all the signs and choose which advice you want to take that week. My favorites are <www.freewillastrology.com> and <www.chaninicholas.com/>. If you want to look up your astrological chart, go to <astro.cafeastrology.com>.
Pets
Any type of pet is therapeutic to spend time with. Research has found that contact with an animal improves comfort, increases feelings of safety, decreases depression and anxiety, lowers blood pressure and stress, and even helps create trust between patients and medical professionals (Jackson). Furthermore, pets help teach you about compassionate behavior, an essential skill for developing friendships. If you can't have your own cat, dog, horse, or the like, consider going to a pet spa or animal shelter to spend some time with those cute critters. There are also pet therapy programs with horses, or doctors can even prescribe you a cat for dealing with anxiety.
9.6 - Media Addiction and Staying in Tune with “Reality”
Media is a very powerful tool. Music, movies, books, news, cartoons, documentaries, video games, and so forth inspire thoughts, emotions, and experiences we may never have had otherwise. They give us heroes to look up to and allow us to see romanticized or condensed stories of lifestyles we may wish to embrace or strive for. Awareness of how these influences relate to our mental health is therefore important.
Consider the media and entertainment you voluntarily and involuntarily experience. Are you utilizing media in a destructive manner to make your mood worse? Going without media (no music, movies, fictitious books, etc) allows one to see a whole different side of life. If you try this, note how it makes you feel. What do you do with your time instead? I went five months without media and felt better than I ever had before. During that time I would only watch a movie or listen to music if others were experiencing it with me, which was rare. Afterward I no longer had the same addiction to media and entertainment, but could see, for instance, that music inspired me in certain situations and video games or television helped me cope when I really needed to stop thinking about something in a negative feedback loop. The break also gave me time to do more fulfilling things like make art and hang out with friends.
I have found that media can be an addiction that perpetuates an avoidance of emotions, thoughts, creativity, and healthy habits. While sometimes avoiding thoughts and feelings is healthy, it can also prevent getting better or fixing bad situations. For me, engaging in media too long makes my head foggy and in turn makes socializing with people really difficult. To remedy some aspects of this I began going to cafes to work on my computer or setting an alarm to take a break from media viewing.
News media can also consume your time and emotions to the point of preventing you from experiencing fulfillment in life. What do you really need to know about? Are you drowning in the depression of media sensationalism and propaganda when you could be caring for your local community and things you can actually change? You don't need that news! Once you realize what is beneficial to you and what is not, add back in those items and be wary of others.
Simultaneously, or instead of removing media from your life, study “media literacy.” Studying media will help you understand the underlying messages presented, see biases, and question the authenticity of the information given. From here you can begin removing oppressive and demeaning media from your life, and substitute appropriate alternatives in their place.
In general, transform your hobbies into methods of self-care and pro-social behavior. Be conscious and selective of what you experience, because it all shapes who you are and what you think about. This may be difficult at first, but as you replace fiction with reality, life becomes its own exciting adventure story.
9.7 - Acceptance of Who You Are
Depression is often caused by health problems or feelings of inadequacy. It is important to realize that you are not alone feeling judged or not good enough. Within the United States of America almost everyone grows up with self-doubt over their perceived imperfections. This is because our media portrays images of perfection to strive for that are actually fictitious or unhealthy in nature. There are times when having self-doubt or being judged make sense, and it makes sense to improve your life in such a way that you no longer are judged or have a need to feel self-doubt. Most of the time though, ignoring those stigmas makes more sense, especially when you have no control over the part of yourself in question, or when it is an unhealthy part to change. In these cases, practicing mindfulness meditation and doing things that boost your self-esteem can help alleviate negative feelings. A good starting point is to befriend people who do not judge you and who accept your personal qualities. Another starting point is acknowledging that the majority of being able to do anything is simply believing in yourself and trying. Take small steps and do not expect perfection immediately. Thirdly, clarify any fuzzy ideologies or habits you might have by identifying who you want to be perceived as and cutting out the actions that contradict that person.
Remember that you are only who you are in this present moment, and that every new moment you have an opportunity to change. Your past selves have helped develop you into who you are now, but those people are no longer you. Sure the past happened, but it stops there, and is no longer happening. Sometimes just saying “I no longer need that memory,” “I unbind myself from the past,” or “YOLO (you only live once)” can be a powerful way of moving forward. Even just acknowledging in a room that it is your space and that nothing in that space from the past or future is happening can help get you out of your head. Take a moment to embrace and accept the person, the labels, and the interests you are now.
9.8 - Abundance Mentality and Fighting Regret
“When you catch yourself slipping into a pool of
negativity, notice how it derives from nothing other
than resistance to the current situation.”
-Donna Quesada, Buddha in the Classroom:
Zen Wisdom to Inspire Teachers
Another option of accepting who you are is to create an “abundance mentality” in your life (Edberg). Think about the positive things as well as the possibilities of positive things in your life instead of what you do not, or cannot have. If you always complain about a certain time of your life, find good things that were happening then, or what good occurred because of difficulties during that time. You could also consider every new moment of your life an exciting adventure.
A lot of depression stems from ingrained thinking patterns. While it is difficult to alter learned behaviors, it is possible, and well worth it. You have the most power over how you feel, as well as the ability to deflect or reduce what you don’t want to feel. An abundance mentality gives you a tool in which to help do this. For instance, if you are anxious about going to visit someone, say aloud, “I am excited to know this person better” or “I'm joyful to have these new experiences today.” If a friendship or romance doesn't work out, you could say “I am glad for this new-found time to develop myself and cultivate more relationships” or “I learned so much while with that person.”
Thinking something will make you feel bad will most certainly make you feel bad, just as in a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, if you maintain an open mind to how an event will impact your emotions, or see the positive possibilities available to you through such an event, the negative feelings will remain for much less time or not be there at all. Do not confuse this with avoiding feelings–when regrets or tragedies do arise, you fully experience the pain they cause, but then move forward and use them as an opportunity to learn and grow. By embracing an abundance mentality you simply become much more tolerant toward changes, whether people cancel plans on you or a difficult event happens in your life. Every moment is full of positive possibilities.
A wonderfully written, absurdly silly, and yet serious book to help you cultivate an abundance mentality is Pronoia Is The Antidote for Paranoia by Rob Brezsny. In one chapter Brezsny writes, “You came into this world as a radiant bundle of exuberant riddles. You slipped into this dimension as a shimmering burst of spiral hallelujahs. You blasted into this realm as a lush explosion of ecstatic gratitude. And it is your birthright to fulfill those promises” (Brezsny 81). In another chapter he says “Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. Through some magic you don't fully understand, you're still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you've been unconscious for many hours. The air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep” (Brezsny 6). There are literally hundreds of questions, thoughts, and poems to wake you up to how amazing you, the world, and universe are.
9.9 - Fix Distorted Beliefs
Cognitive therapy offers a useful tool for sorting out rational thoughts from distorted ones. Common distortions include “all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification or minimization, emotional reasoning, should statements, labeling and mislabeling, and personalization” (Schimelpfening). For more information on these, research “cognitive distortions.” You can untangle distorted thinking by sorting out which thoughts and feelings are true and justified, and which need alteration. For a given situation the table above provides a useful framework to work from. This example situation involves the thoughts a person might have after being broken up with.
Once you realize an alternative or more reasonable thought, you can focus on that instead of the negative thought(s) you were having. You can also combine this technique with an abundance mentality to reform negative thoughts into ones which promote the positive aspects of a situation.
9.10 - Boost Confidence and Self-Esteem
Depressed feelings may be triggered by stressful events or the approach of events. When you have the time, prepare by boosting your confidence and self-esteem. According to researcher and 2012 TedGlobal speaker Amy Cuddy, using your body's natural power poses decreases anxiety and stress while simultaneously boosting your confidence and self-esteem (Cuddy). Power poses include those that take up a lot of space. For instance, putting your hands on your hips, or even better, creating a victory stance by raising your hands up into the air and widening your legs. Doing so for just two minutes will have lasting effects, at least long enough to give your speech or attend that meeting. This technique may be more effective by getting really into the act. As Amy Cuddy says, “fake it till you make it!” For instance, look into the mirror and talk yourself up while in the pose, or play the part of a great orator. What will also help boost confidence and self-esteem, as well as help you play this role, is dressing in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. Pick clothing, a hairstyle, and makeup that is intentional and fits the situation. “Fake it till you make it” means that it's possible to use simple techniques like these until, over time, you aren't just faking confidence, you are more confident and you do have better self-esteem. Remember also that nothing will happen unless you first try, and as Marshall Rosenberg likes to say, “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
9.11 - Accept What You Fear
Many feelings are absolutely rational, but others create unnecessary strife and misdirect where action is needed. Underlying feelings such as hatred, dislike, and jealousy are sometimes fear. By identifying this root emotion you take responsibility for external or internal conflict and can challenge yourself to grow. There might be a fear of not being as good as someone else, being wrong, of a recurrence of a past event, being harmed, being emotionally hurt, or being embarrassed. For instance, if you have a problem keeping friends, becoming angry, walking around publicly, being intimate with a person, or seeing others being intimate, you can ask yourself how fear is influencing the feelings you experience when put in those situations. Which of these fears are rational and which are irrational? Which can you transform?
Accepting the outcomes of certain fears also allows us to move on and sprout happiness where once there was negativity. Many hobbies, habits, and thinking patterns result from the fear of what would happen if we did not do one thing or another. However, this creates a negative mindset when doing these things. Activities often pursued out of fear and negativity include activism, social tendencies, dressing up, diets, and careers. If your actions are based on fear, work on accepting the worst possible outcome of not doing that thing. Instead of holding onto the fear, allow it to fully happen in your imagination. Generally this outcome really isn't that bad, and at the very worst is only one of thousands of possibilities that could happen. Holding onto one possibility that makes you feel bad is simply not productive. It might be helpful to even stop doing the fear-based activity altogether for a little while. Transform negative tendencies into positive ones by pursuing those activities out of enjoyment, happiness, love, or fulfillment. If you cannot alter these feelings, pursue different activities.
9.12 - Make a Game
Throughout history people have played games because they are fun. Games bring an exciting dynamic to activities that make people try harder, work better, and enjoy it. Transforming mundane tasks into games will help you form habits and think more positively about the task that you're doing. You can form games with yourself or compete against other people. For instance, how fast can you fold the laundry, or guess how many pancakes of X size you can make with the amount of batter you've mixed, or try to beat your best mile time running, or spend a day without using certain words in your sentences. There is a game hidden in every corner of life.
9.13 - Losing and Finding Identity
Some people experience confusion and depression surrounding a loss of their identity. Identity crises may result from a changing of personality, aging, loss of loved ones, leaving a community or family, an injury or disease, changing environments, attempting to accommodate new friends or a new community, changing genders, or changing sexes. The loss of an identity may be thought of as an exciting opportunity to create an even better, stronger, and truer you, or simply to try out a different way of life. Time is a very important component of finding a new identity or re-finding an identity. It usually will not happen overnight, especially when friends and family try to reinforce your old patterns. It is therefore important to inform family and old friends of your changes, as well as to find new friends, community, and activities to engage in for support developing your new identity. For more information, see Friendships, Relationships, and Community (Section 6.14). It will also be helpful to explore yourself through writing, and even create a plan of what your new identity looks like. To move forward you might also need to release everything from the past and live wholly in the present moment, or hold a ritual or ceremony for your change (See Section 6.1).
A temporary form of identity loss known as disassociation also occurs when a person does not confront suffering in their life or is uncomfortable with themselves or a given situation. The individual is suddenly unsure of where they are, who they are, or who they are speaking with. It can last anywhere from several seconds to several hours. If you experience this form of identity loss, consider seeing a therapist, finding ways of accepting yourself, and confronting the sources of your suffering.
9.14 - Find Purpose and Meaning in Life
Viktor Frankl wrote in his book, Man's Search For Meaning, “...it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to 'be happy.' But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to 'be happy'" (Smith, Emily). In other words, happiness is nothing without first having a sense of meaning or purpose in one's existence. Happiness will come when you focus on living your life fully without avoiding negative emotions and circumstances.
Deciding on a specific purpose or passion can be a helpful grounding point to live life by, especially when you have a million options to choose from. Many pursue a purpose involving religion, spirituality, happiness, love, a hobby, friendship, family, or providing services. There is absolutely nothing wrong with living without an overall purpose or taking time to figure one or several out, so don’t get discouraged. It is just helpful for some people. If you do have something you are passionate about, create reminders for yourself about it. Put up pictures, place stickers on your fridge, wear a button, get a tattoo, or sign up for news feeds to stimulate thoughts and
feelings regarding that passion no matter what mood you are in. You could even have a ritual with a group of people to commit to certain ideas and behaviors (Section 6.1). Doing so gives you a strong communal sense that even if life is difficult, you are going to maintain your commitments. Just remember that pursuing something simply for the sake of your personal happiness can hurt a lot of people; find sources of happiness that make many people happy rather than just yourself.
Succeeding creates happiness, but if you can be your genuine self while succeeding, you will also find a sense of meaning (McGregor). You're not going to get a great emotional benefit out of succeeding in a job or relationship you find lackluster and limiting. This being the case, it is good to pursue hobbies and work you really enjoy and feel comfortable doing. What moves you?
9.15 - Spiritual, Religious, and
Philosophical Pathways
A spiritual or religious pathway offers many healthy outlets for coping with depression and anxiety. Community, meditation, prayer, and meaning are just a few of the things that some spiritual and religious groups provide. These groups tend to be very supportive and a great way to make social connections as well.
While any belief system can be healthy, one must be careful with ideologies that preach mentally unhealthy ideas. One must also be careful of personally using spiritual, religious, and even philosophical beliefs as a means of justifying their depressive behaviors. I did this while growing up. The spiritual principles I created explained my symptoms of depression as something entirely else, and so I used my spirituality as an excuse to not seek help. This did act as a coping mechanism in its own way and assisted me in getting through my more troublesome years “safely,” though I’ve witnessed others utilize spiritual principles in destructive acts either against themselves or others. I would not say that spirituality discovered through a depressed perspective negates those spiritual experiences, but I would deeply analyze what is an excuse for a depressive habit and what is truly spiritual or religious.
9.16 - Drop the Judgment
Judgment is the act of associating a thing with certain qualities, often without knowing those things to be true. Judgment is natural, and some judgments are important. We like some things and we dislike others, and speed up our decisions by applying experiences we've had before to similar experiences in the future. In a world with so much to judge though, judgments make us spend more time than we want thinking negatively, and in turn drive us into sadness, anger, and depression. Not only that, but judgments make communication and conflict resolution almost impossible, because they hide feelings and needs. “That is good” or “that is bad” statements give an individual very little information about how to proceed with a situation. This is especially the case when we dwell on our judgments and carry them around with us. Reworking judgments begins with becoming aware of them. The feelings created when we judge are almost instantaneous, so it is difficult to notice that the judgmental thoughts and the associated feelings are in fact separate. If you remove the judgments, the feelings will not arise. Judgment can be very subtle, such as when reading a book written in a way you dislike, or more overbearing, such as when you see someone dressed in a way you've always associated with something bad.
What do you lose by dropping your judgments of things or people? Probably nothing. What do you gain? A lot more happiness and opportunities to experience the world. Here are some tips for dropping judgment:
- Try for one day to not judge anyone; to genuinely live in the present moment without criticisms in order to give everyone a fair try.
- Check your ego. Everyone has something they are equally talented at as you are, and everyone has to start somewhere. Don't make assumptions about the capabilities of a person based on appearance or first impressions. Also note that everyone has their bad days, their sick days, their tired days, and their mournful days. Everyone also has had different opportunities and experiences in life to get to where they are now; sometimes difficulties and bad things happen along the way.
- Practice mindfulness meditation. Instead of thinking about your environment, fully experience the sensations created by that environment and your own body. This creates a state where there is no good or bad, there just is – there just is a phone ringing, there just is that particular person in the room, there just are cars honking, and there just is you in this space doing what you are doing with many objects around you.
- Judge and move on without holding onto the associated feelings.
- Judge and challenge yourself to do the opposite of what your judgment tells you to do.
- When you experience anger toward a person, Marshal B. Rosenberg suggests to “replace the phrase 'I am angry because they...' with 'I am angry because I am needing'” (Rosenberg 139). In this way you acknowledge your feelings to be the result of unmet needs you personally have rather than the actions of another person. The phrasing may help open a person up to meeting your needs rather than making them defensive when they feel judged. Of course this technique can be used for much more than the feelings of anger. See Violent and Nonviolent Communication (Section 10.4) for an overview of nonviolent communication.
9.17 - PTSD and Coming to Terms with a Traumatic Past (please note this section is somewhat out of date. please read my updated Trauma Guide for free by clicking this link)
Some cases of depression are caused by events that occurred years ago. Confronting difficult experiences from the past can be liberating, and reduce stress. This is difficult, as traumatic events are often something people want to push out of their memory. However, they are another key to accepting oneself and understanding one’s experience of depressed feelings and depression. Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) impacts many people in minor to major ways. The process of confronting the inner demons causing negative responses can be a long one, but therapists will greatly help in the process. Ask your doctor for a therapist that specializes in PTSD treatment. If you'd like to start healing now, it may be helpful to fully separate from the causes of trauma and avoid situations that trigger traumatic memories. Doing so will provide a safe healing space and room for unraveling the reasons for your PTSD. Thoroughly understand your trauma and PTSD. Try writing about your past and emotions in detail and about how different events affect your current behavior and mood. A friend or family member may also give special insight into your memories if you are able to share your story openly. When you feel ready slowly reintroduce the traumatic triggers in a healthy environment. Either find acceptance with the triggers, or learn a new habit response to the habit cues such as deep breathing. Remember that this all takes time.
9.18 - Deal with the Negative Emotions You Have about Yourself and Others as Soon as Possible
Suffering is an important aspect of life. Growth and knowledge is found in these difficulties, and so it is generally good to work through it. In fact, avoiding dealing with negative emotions directed toward yourself or another person can quickly pull the whole mind into a state of depressed feelings or depression. Often the longer you wait to deal with these feelings, the harder the situation becomes to remediate and the worse the suffering becomes (granted that some time is necessary to process thoughts and react constructively to a situation). What do I mean by avoiding dealing with negative emotions? It is the lack of making a decision. Communicating with a friend, accepting certain qualities of a person, quitting a job, practicing mindfulness, or ending a relationship would all be potentially beneficial decisions, whereas complaining, venting, doing nothing, or obsessing over the negative qualities of a situation would constitute avoidance. Be proactive about your mental health.
As for altering negative feelings toward another person, there are two main ways. First, communicate to the person that you're upset with by using non-violent communication (see Section 10.4). State your feelings and observable facts in a neutral tone, but do not use name calling or slander. This may be easier after taking some space away from the source of your anger, but the sooner you deal with it the less it will consume you. If direct communication is difficult, a letter (or e-mail) may be used instead. A letter is helpful if you don't feel like you can remember everything you need to say, or even to just sort your thoughts out, but be aware that it is difficult to interpret a person's tone from letters. If a letter is used, it is best to directly hand it to the person and have them read it immediately so that any confusion can be clarified. This also avoids the anxiety created when waiting for a response.
If communication is not an option, or is too difficult, forgive the source of your suffering. Remember that everyone has their own difficulties, has their bad days, makes mistakes, and is constantly changing. Some personalities don't get along, but plenty more do. Why dwell on the negative when there are so many positive things to be experienced? Whenever your mind starts making a judgment or saying something hateful, say something nice, and focus on that instead. “He is such a jerk” could become “he is a very hard worker.” Remind yourself that thinking hateful thoughts or making judgments is not helping anyone or teaching anyone a better method of being, and generally just hurts you. As mentioned in Deep Breathing, Meditation, Mindfulness, Prayer, and Rituals (Section 6.1) prayers of forgiveness may also help you let go of what has happened in the past. Since you cannot change what already happened, you may as well be content or happy with the idea that the universe meant it to happen for your personal story. Whether out of difficulty or happiness, regret gets you nowhere. Of course, you can learn from regret and act differently in the future, but right now, why dwell on the past?
9.19 - The Health of Stress, Sadness, and Anger
As you explore coping with depression and depressed feelings, you may attempt to avoid situations that create stress, sadness, anger, and other “negative” feelings. Know however that these are all parts of the human experience, and avoiding them is to avoid learning, growing, and even experiencing many positive aspects of life. As 2010 TEDxHouston speaker Brené Brown says, “vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” (Brown). When we try to numb an emotion, we numb the emotions we don't want to numb as well. Sometimes it is the negative or difficult experiences that make us find our happiness. Sometimes things just need to get really bad before you find the motivation to make changes in your life, or before you finally understand advice you heard years ago. Do your best to continue living your life, to communicate your needs and desires, and to take on an uncomfortable situation to get where you want to be. As I like to say, “hit rock bottom so hard you go straight through to the other side.” In this way I do not ignore my suffering which has much to teach, but rather fully embrace it. Simultaneously these words help me keep in mind that I am trying to grow rather than become the same person I was before.
Uncomfortable situations provide a lot of motivation for creating constructive changes in our lives. Thus, seeing them as opportunities, rather than tragedies to be kept secret from ourselves, is very important to rediscovering a content and happy place. Welcome stress in as a challenge to grow from and overcome. As Rob Brezsny says, “engage in a relationship with the blind and sickly parts of yourself, perfect them, and you will awaken your hidden divinity” (Brezsny 126). Of course, some suffering is just too much to digest quickly, and you may need to revisit it later once you have taken care of the immediate difficulties associated with that pain. I wish it were easier, and I wish that someone could provide some insight that would make it all go away or get it over with quicker, but in order to grow stronger, wiser, and happier, sometimes you need to figure out those hard experiences on your own. It is the trade-off we make for being human and living fulfilling lives.
10. Communication
10.1 - Communication Styles
How we communicate greatly impacts the way people treat us, and in turn plays a role in our relationships and moods. Communication is more than words and tone of voice, we also communicate through our clothing, activities, hair style, and body language. Part of a personality is displayed through these various factors, but it might be hard to realize how you are portraying yourself or what impact you are having on another person when you have communicated the way you do for so long. This is especially prevalent when interacting with different cultures. One culture may talk louder, and could be perceived as aggressive by others. Another culture may see themselves as polite, but be seen as passive or passive aggressive by others. City to city, state to state, coast to coast, and country to country there is a vast diversity of communication styles. Even within the same area, people grow up being better hands-on, auditory, or visual communicators. When people talk to us with a different style of communication, it may be difficult to know if that communication is emotionally charged or not. It is therefore important to consider cultural factors, not make assumptions, and
have empathy when communicating. Asking questions is the key to understanding.
Sometimes our style of communication is not in line with how we want to be perceived nor used in a way that attracts the people we want in our lives. It takes a measure of mindfulness to determine why people treat you the way they do. You may have become complacent with this treatment and how new interactions don't always go so well, but perhaps you want to change that. Do you want to sound more confident, swear less, say positive things more often, stop using words like “umm” and “like,” always have a joke handy as a conversation starter, or not be so argumentative? All of these are habits that take time to form or break. It may be helpful to practice alone to create new patterns of speech, and while in public note when you use a speech pattern you dislike.
10.2 - Introverts and Extroverts
There are distinctive social differences between introverts, extroverts, and shy people, and it is worth noting to yourself as well as your peers which trait(s) you tend toward. If you are not meeting your needs as an introvert or extrovert, it will increase your potential for depression. Susan Cain's New York Times bestseller, Quiet, describes the lesser understood introvert quite well. Debate exists over the exact definition of an introvert and extrovert, but the basic idea is that introverts need more alone time or quieter one-on-one social interaction to recharge their energy, whereas extroverts find social life and groups energizing (Cain 12-14). Just because a person is introverted does not mean that they dislike groups or social interaction. Both introverts and extroverts can experience shyness, a trait describing social anxiety or hesitation toward strangers, acquaintances, and even friends. Unfortunately introverts are more likely to experience depression than extroverts due to a tendency of obsessively thinking over the same thought (Law).
Everyone is on a spectrum between an introvert and extrovert, with few people fully taking on all the characteristics of one category. That said, the United States of America is dominated by extroverted thought in schools, work spaces, and culture, even though at least one third of the population consists of introverts (Cain 3). If you are an introvert it is important to make your needs known. Not all these traits apply to everyone, and certainly no one is bound to them, but some characteristics associated with introverts include:
- Enjoyment of solitude or one-on-one interactions (Cain 13-14).
- Dislike of small talk, risk-taking, and conflict.
- Better at listening than at talking.
- Works best alone and without interruption.
- Socially quieter than extroverts.
- Highly creative and thoughtful.
- Expresses oneself best through mediums such as writing or art instead of public speaking or group activities.
- Prefers friendly people over argumentative or conflict-oriented people (Cain 231).
- Easily feels guilty (Cain 234).
- Has trouble multitasking (Cain 168).
- Has trouble accurately reading emotions and social cues during interactions with others (Cain 236).
Introverts also tend to fit the category of “highly sensitive.” According to Dr. Elaine Aron, people with high sensitivities often:
- Have strong observational skills.
- Avoid surprises.
- Experience exterior stimuli powerfully.
- Become anxious or underperform when others watch or judge them.
- Notice emotional changes.
- Have strong empathetic feelings.
- Avoid unempathetic situations such as violent media.
Cain also asserts that introverts can temporarily thrive in extroverted environments, but eventually they need to find a “restorative niche.” A restorative niche is where you can comfortably be yourself and recharge your energy, even for just a couple of minutes (Cain 219). For an overwhelmed introvert these might include places like their room, nature, a quiet space with one other friend, or even a bathroom stall. Hopefully someday soon more people will acknowledge the needs of introverts and create an abundance of spaces that recharge rather than drain their energy, but until then establishing these places is likely up to you.
10.3 - Imaginary Conversations and Arguments
I find that any imaginary conversations or arguments in my head are unhealthy. Perhaps it can act as a rehearsal or way to vent out more extreme feelings for some, but it tends to make me feel worse or never talk to people I need to speak with. If you fall into this same pattern and catch yourself having conversations in your head, consider breathing deeply, writing out the conversation, or going directly to the person in question to speak with them.
10.4 - Violent and Nonviolent Communication
Our style of communication also impacts our ability to have needs met and deal with serious or argumentative conversations. According to Marshall B. Rosenberg, “violent” communication often incorporates:
- Moralistic judgments: “Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments” (Rosenberg 17).
- Making comparisons: “[Dan Greenberg] suggests that if readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people” (Rosenberg 18).
- Denial of responsibility: Expressing that something forces you to do or think a certain way. An example being “I started smoking because all my friends did,” or “I cleaned my room because I had to” (Rosenberg 19-20). In other words, it ignores why you personally took the action that you did. “I started smoking because I wanted to be closer with my friends,” or “I cleaned my room because I wanted my friend to think I was a well-organized person” would be expressions taking responsibility for actions.
- Demand: A statement which threatens punishment if it is not completed (Rosenberg 22).
These common methods of expressing needs and feelings are hostile and make ourselves or others defensive and closed off to the words spoken. They are also all “alienated expressions of our needs” (Rosenberg 55). In other words, these hostile expressions can be reworded into unmet needs we personally have instead of attacks on a person. That is why Marshall B. Rosenberg created nonviolent communication, or NVC for short. NVC works by avoiding language that psychologically creates defensiveness and instead promotes language that creates openness. In his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion, he explains how to use observations, feelings, needs, and requests to navigate unmet needs you or others around you have (Rosenberg 6).
Stating Unmet Needs You Have:
- Observe: What is it specifically that you like or don't like that a person is doing (Nonviolent)?
- State your feelings: How does the observed action make you feel? Does it make you feel happy, alive, afraid, bored, detached, angry, calm, etc.? Remember that a feeling is not a judgment; do not use slander or make accusations.
- State your needs. As mentioned in Section 9.1, common human needs include sustenance, safety, love, empathy, rest (recreation and play), community, creativity, autonomy (freedom), and meaning (purpose) What is your unmet need from the list above? Why do you personally want this change? How does it benefit you? Does it create more order, make work go faster, create a quieter space, make a higher quality product, etc.? Needs explain your feelings.
- Make a request: Make it clear, polite, reasonable, and preferably a “do” instead of a “don't.” Remember, you are making a request, not a demand. “Could you please rewrite this with more action language,” or, “can you start thinning the carrots to quarter-foot spaces?”
- Example: “James, when you play your electric guitar past 10:00 PM (observation), I feel frustrated (feeling) because I need to wake up for work early (need). Could you keep your playing to before 10:00PM (request)?
- Observe and listen: What is the person expressing they like or dislike?
- Clarifying question: Make sure the person knows you understand what they like or dislike and the reason why. You may not agree with them, but it is important that a person feels that you are listening and can empathize with them. For instance, “are you anxious because you are needing a quieter space,” or, “so you feel angry because some stranger yelled at you?”
- State your feelings and needs or ask to offer advice, but do this only once the other person feels adequately heard.
Non-Judgmental Language
The key with phrasing is to use non-judgmental language. Many words we use to describe feelings are actually evaluations of the other person, or how we interpret their actions (Rosenberg 44). This includes words such as “attacked, cheated, manipulated, provoked, rejected,” and “unwanted (Rosenberg 44).” Work on removing judgmental language from your vocabulary. Instead of jumping to conclusions, consider the many reasons for a person acting the way that they did, or better yet, try to connect with a person by asking them about their needs. “Are you feeling angry because _______?” When asking these questions, do not blame yourself by using “I.” Try to guess their unmet needs that are at the root of their suffering. See Drop The Judgment (Section 9.16) for more information.
Suggestions
- Keep it short and simple so it is easier for people to listen.
- Ask people to “do” instead of “not do.”
- All components of the non-violent communication model (observation, feelings, needs, requests) are needed or the interaction can quickly become either violent or misunderstood. However, words may be rephrased to sound more natural. For instance the example with James and the electric guitar could be phrased, "James, when you play your electric guitar past 10:00PM (observation), I become frustrated (feeling) because I wake up for work early (need). Could you keep your playing to before 10:00PM (request)?"
- Think about what you're going to say before you say it, or even write it out beforehand.
- Never make an assumption about why a person does something. Only speak from observable facts and clarify the truth by asking questions.
- To practice NVC go back to conversations that haven't gone so well in the past and rewrite them using non-violent communication.
NVC is a complicated technique and involves even more than the basics covered here. For more NVC guidance, read the book, watch video tutorials, and seek out local workshops. It's not something I would say for any other material, but Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion should be part of all formal education, or even required reading for the human race. It's a powerful and life changing tool!